PPC: Driftwood
by SturmUndSquee
Summary: Agents Kaitlyn and Selene of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum travel the Word Worlds, defending canon from the scourge of bad fanfiction.
1. Prologue

"You can't do this!"

_Do I look like I _want _to? The Board is pressuring me, and with your unorthodox situation..._

Agent Kaitlyn scowled at her Department Head. "It's not _my_ fault Chelsea went doo-lally," she protested. "Well, except in the technical sense. Either way, I shouldn't be punished just because she's in FicPsych."

_You are not being 'punished', Caseworker Kaitlyn, dear me no!_ It takes a lot for a six-foot stalk covered in yellow flowers to look shocked, and the Asphodel managed it beautifully. _This is a _promotion_! Surely you'd much rather spend your time in an active, go-getting department, pulling all the interesting missions, than sitting around at a desk no doubt leaf-deep in dust, here in the backwoods of the PPC._

"Sarcasm is unbecoming," Kaitlyn observed, then grimaced. "I always figured the condescension we get from other agents didn't extend to Upstairs."

_If only_, the Asphodel muttered. _Why do they have such a hard time accepting that we're a real department, not a bunch of slackers in need of a proper job? 'Promotion' indeed._

Kaitlyn nodded firmly. "And 'backwoods'? Do they even know how many calls we get through?"

… _not very many, as I recall,_ the Asphodel replied. _Don't you only go on missions because you've bribed a Spy to pass them to you?_

"That is _entirely_ beside the point," Kaitlyn sniffed. "Ma'am, seriously – I don't want to join the Floaters. I'm happy where I am."

_I know_. The yellow Flower shrugged her leaves. _But you're one of the few Caseworkers we have with no second position, and the Board is pushing hard for standardisation. I'm afraid I have no choice._

Kaitlyn sighed, looked down at her feet, then raised her head again. "I still have a job here, though, right? I mean – if anyone calls in for Pippin's caseworker, you'll let me know?"

_Never doubt it,_ the Asphodel assured her. _Any time, day or what passes for night around here. The Department of Character Protective Services will always need you._

"Thank you," Kaitlyn said, picking up her transfer papers from the desk at last. "RC 7219," she read. "Well… goodbye, ma'am."

_Goodbye, Agent Kaitlyn. And good luck._

Kaitlyn grinned at her. "Who needs luck?" she asked. "I've got a funny robot!"

… _no, you haven't._

"Figure of speech shuttup."

* * *

><p>Kaitlyn hummed softly to herself as she ambled through the Headquarters of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, known to its inhabitants simply as HQ. Many years' experience had taught her that rushing anywhere in HQ was a recipe for wandering in circles. Navigation for PPC agents operated on a kind of twisted Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle: instead of having to decide between knowing how fast she was going and where she actually was, Kaitlyn had a choice between knowing where she was going, and actually getting there. That was also why she was walking with her eyes closed, though after colliding with three fellow agents and countless walls, she was beginning to regret that decision.<p>

The next impact felt less jarring than a generic surface wall, but more solid (and less heavily-armed) than Agent Silver had. Kaitlyn opened her eyes and beamed triumphantly at the wooden door. "Destination get!" she murmured, reaching up to straighten the number sign hanging from its lopsided hook. Then she knocked, straightened her jacket, and stepped inside.

Response Centre 7219 looked like any other PPC Response Centre: a couple of tables, a beanbag or two, a closed door to the small living quarters, a wall-hugging console, and an irate agent standing in the middle of it all. In this case, the agent was a tall skinny woman, apparently of Asian extraction, holding a pile of books and a throwing star and seemingly ready to use either. "This had better be good," she growled.

"Aw, man, I hope so too." Kaitlyn grinned at her. "Hi, I'm Kaitlyn. If you're Selene Thingy Thingy Whatsit, I'm your new partner."

"Oh." Selene grimaced, placed the books on a desk, and sheathed the throwing star. "Lovely. And it's Selene Morgana Lillith… well, to stick with the short form, Perdita X Windflower."

"Right," said Kaitlyn, shutting the door behind her and throwing her pack onto the other table. "Thingy Thingy Whatsit. Nice to meet you." She held out a hand, which Selene ignored.

"Just stick with Selene," she said, rubbing her eyes. "So you're new to Floaters too, yes?"

"DCPS," Kaitlyn confirmed. "Apparently I need a second job. You?"

"I used to be with DOGA. That was a few years back; when I came back, I decided I needed a change."

"You say that in the voice of someone whose 'decision' was made by a third party," Kaitlyn observed.

Selene gave a dry chuckle. "You're not as stupid as you look."

"Hey!"

Selene ignored her. "The Kudzu was of the opinion that I would do better in a less pyromanic department. Hence, Floaters." She gestured around at the RC. "Of course, I'm still right next door to my old boss, and halfway across HQ from the Floating Hyacinth – but when has logic ever mattered around here?"

"You've got _that_ right," Kaitlyn said fervently. "So, you're a vampire, right?"

Selene blinked at her. "Um, yes," she managed. "I didn't think that was in the file, though…"

"I'm not as stupid as I look," Kaitlyn replied. "You don't show your teeth much, but there's definitely something weird going on with your canines. And your eyes go all red when you get cross."

"Ah." Selene studied her with an intense gaze that left Kaitlyn feeling as if she'd been not only mentally undressed, but also mentally dissected. "Yes, I'm a Stokerverse vampire, I'm about two hundred and fifty years old, I drink blood, and I can turn into a wolf and call down lightning. Is this going to be a problem?"

Kaitlyn shrugged. "Not for me," she said. "So why do you look like a Steampunk Borg?"

Selene reached up and brushed a hand over the tangle of copper pipes and brass cogs covering the left side of her face. "The Key keeps me sane," she said. "I had a… bit of a breakdown five years back, and the people who pulled me out of FicPsych last year gave me this. It helps me keep the crazy parts locked away while my mind heals."

Kaitlyn frowned at her. "'Last year'… you were in FicPsych for _five years_?"

"So I'm told," Selene confirmed. "But let's not talk about that. I'm a vampire, you're, what, a hobbit?"

Kaitlyn squealed with delight and threw her arms around the other woman. "Thank you!" she exclaimed. "Thank you _so much_!"

"Er," Selene managed, her body completely still, "you're welcome? Please release me."

Kaitlyn coughed and stepped back. "Right. Sorry. Not the hugging kind?"

"No." Selene took a deep breath. "No, I think that's safe to say."

"Okay. No problem. Objection noted. Hugging protocols disabled." Kaitlyn beamed at her new partner. "But seriously, thank you."

"Like I said, you're welcome. But thank me for _what_?"

"For thinking I was a hobbit," Kaitlyn shrugged. "They're so _adorable_, but I only get to be one on missions." She flicked a sceptical glance at Selene. "That said – _why_ did you think I was a hobbit? I'm only a few inches shy of six foot!"

Selene coughed. "It's been a while since I went to Middle-earth," she tried, but couldn't meet Kaitlyn's gaze. "Look, I did _say_ I went crazy. Things have gotten a bit… muddled."

"Oh, great." Kaitlyn brushed past her and began a circuit of the Response Centre, running her fingers over the furniture. "Is that why you've got half the Canon Library in here?"

"I need to brush back up on my canon knowledge," Selene agreed. "I have to get myself back in shape before the Flowers send us a-"

_[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]_

"-mission. Oh, _maw-wallops_."

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>The Protectors of the Plot Continuum are the creation of Jay and Acacia.

We are the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. We are a group of humour writers who analyse bad fanfiction and highlight what exactly makes it bad. Our agents are fictional characters who travel through the Word Worlds, protecting canon from the scourge of badfic. We are not them, and they are not us. They can destroy badfic; we don't even try to touch the original.

But they're far more interesting to read about than us. ;)


	2. Winterwood

_[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]_

"-mission. Oh, _maw-wallops_." Agent Selene stalked over to the console and slapped her hand on the big red button. "I should've known better. All right, what have we got?"

Kaitlyn continued her exploration of the Response Centre. Selene had an impressive collection of weaponry, mostly of the throwing variety. What she lacked, unfortunately, was comfortable furnishings; the beanbags were sad, sagging things, and the floor was just bare concrit. "I'll have to do something about that," Kaitlyn murmured. Then she registered her partner's continued silence. "Well?" she asked aloud. "What _have_ we got?"

"I'm nulled if I know," Selene said, and Kaitlyn turned in surprise at the bafflement in her voice. The vampire was staring at the console screen as if it were liable to bite her. Abandoning her investigations, Kaitlyn crossed the room.

"Let me see." She frowned at the screen. "Legolas is there, so it's a Legomance-"

"It might not be," Selene interrupted. "Some of them aren't."

Kaitlyn snorted. "Yeah? Name three." She shook her head, pushed her hair back from her face, and kept reading. "Intelligence say there's a girl involved – told you so – named… Elsa?" Kaitlyn took a step back, blinking. "With ice powers? So it's a crossover with _Frozen_?"

"I got _that_ far," Selene told her. "But then I got to the fact that 'Elsa' is from the Kingdom of Winterwood, which isn't how _I_ remember that film."

Kaitlyn leant on the console, frowning. "Copycat Suvian?" she suggested. "No, it's too close for a copycat. Despatch job – pardon me, transdimensional snatching?"

"Isn't that usually Real World Suvians?" Selene asked. "Canon characters go to Implausible Crossovers."

"But they aren't usually just… copied and pasted like this." Kaitlyn studied the words, then straightened up suddenly and beamed. "I know _exactly_ what it is."

Selene raised a sceptical eyebrow. "Do tell."

"It's a mission for the Department of Floaters," Kaitlyn said firmly. "And by a lucky coincidence…"

Selene chuckled. "I knew there was a reason for this department of ours," she said. "All right… recommended disguises. Intel says there are mostly just humans in here, which is good, because-"

"We could be hobbits."

Selene skimmed over the report. "No, there's no hobbits in the story, just-"

"Yes, but we could be hobbits."

Selene fixed Kaitlyn with a glare which was clearly supposed to send her quailing in fear. "Hobbits are entirely inappropriate to this mission."

"Yes, but-"

"No." Selene tapped at the keyboard. "We're being human bandits. We'll blend in well enough that the bit-parts won't notice us, and the canon won't object to us attacking the characters, so we're fine both ways."

"We could be-" Kaitlyn stopped as Selene levelled another glare at her, waited until the vampire turned away again, and then resumed: "_-hobbit_ bandits." When the inevitable glower came, she just shrugged. "Hey, at least I'm compromising."

"Compromise away. Just don't expect me to get involved." Selene pressed another button, and a blue portal wiped itself into existence in the air. "What've you got in that bag? Anything useful?"

Kaitlyn grabbed her bag off the desk, opened it up, and pulled out a second, smaller bag. "Mission kit," she explained. "Canon Analysis Device, notepad, emergency dagger, iPod, _Fellowship of the Ring_ DVD, mushrooms… you know, the usual."

"That'll… mushrooms? Really?" Selene shook herself and picked up her own pack. "That'll do. Come on." She led the way through the portal.

* * *

><p><em>The woods were quiet.<em>

_Too quiet._

_Crown Prince Legolas almost didn't see the attack happen until it was too late._

Kaitlyn clung to the tree branch the portal had deposited them on. "Because that's what everyone knows about elves," she said: "how unobservant they are. Oh, we're off to a flying start here."

"What, you don't think 'Crown Prince' Legolas would be a helpless little lamb in the scary woods?" Selene asked. She was standing upright on the branch, not even holding on for balance. "Where is it he's prince _of_, again?"

"But if he could defend himself, there'd be no need for… well, _this_." The agents watched as a 'hooded person' seemed to appear directly out of a tree-trunk and launched herself at the bandits.

Selene shuddered. "That tree-thing… bad memories. That's going on the charge list."

"You said there weren't any hobbits!" Kaitlyn protested as the figure ran around, ducking under _'flailing arms and legs_'. "The tricksy vampire lies to us, it does!"

"She's not a hobbit, she's just badly-described," Selene corrected. "And she's a jingle-brained idiot, too – who uses throwing stars at point-blank range? They're a _distance_ weapon – the clue is in the name. Another charge."

"Can we add constant creation of mini-Balrogs?" Kaitlyn asked, pointing at the two balls of flame which were standing by watching the fight. "That's Legogas and Legalos already, and we're only a couple of paragraphs in." She wobbled, squeaked, and wrapped her arm back around the branch.

Selene was scribbling frantically. "I wish she'd slow down a bit…"

"She can't," Kaitlyn said. "She has to kill all the bandits before Legolas recovers from his shock." Sure enough, the figure was moving at whirlwind speed, fast enough to raise clouds of leaves from the forest floor. Only a few moments later, she was done.

"Oh, and she lost her hood," Selene grated. "How convenient."

"Well, how _else_ was Legolas going to give us a description?" Kaitlyn demanded, her eyes wide. "Imagine the state we'd be in if we didn't know that her hair was in a side plait? Or, Vana preserve us, that her boots were _leather_?"

"I'm more interested in the fact that she has a bow – noted, again, for being a _ranged weapon_ – but still chose to dive right in amongst the bandits." Selene shook her head. "Did I already use 'jingle-brained'?"

"'fraid so." Kaitlyn tilted her head. "Question: why is _she_ calling the _bandits_ idiots? They were able to overwhelm a Silvan elf in the forest, that's pretty good going."

"Probably because she's been reduced to a one-note warrior woman," Selene suggested. "She _is_ supposed to be Elsa, yes?"

In answer, Kaitlyn pulled out her CAD and pointed it at the figure. The earsplitting _[Beep!]_ before she hit the mute button set all the birds to flight in every tree around the clearing, but didn't attract the attention of the two characters, who were far too busy bantering.

[Elsa of Arendelle and/or Winterwood delete as appropriate,] reported the CAD. [86.03% OOC]

Kaitlyn frowned and hit the device with the heel of her hand. "Must need recalibrating," she muttered. "There's no way she's still 14% in-character."

"I'd love to argue with you, but I can't." Selene sighed and scowled at the two canons. "'Are they're anymore bandits out there?'," she quoted. "Poor ribroasted English language. It doesn't deserve this."

"Not just English." Kaitlyn tightened her grip on the bough and shifted one hand to burrow quickly through her pack. "Here it is," she announced, waving a small device in the air. "Dictionary doo-hickey. That battle-cry she used at the beginning, 'Alalaes!', is apparently…" She tapped the word in, waited a second, and snorted. "Greek, of all things."

"There's a lot of Greek in Middle-earth," Selene said solemnly. "Did you ever read Jay Thorntree's mission report? The one with a Suvian called 'Pangaea'?"

Kaitlyn grinned. "How could I forget? 'It's GREEK, okay? You shouldn't make fun of my name!' Or war-cry, in this case."

Selene returned the grin for about half a second before the events below caught her attention again. "Legolas asks _her_ if there's any more bandits? Are we sure he _is_ an elf in this?"

"He is – you'll like this – an 'elvin prince'," Kaitlyn announced. "Because 'elven' is a very complicated word, you know."

"At least he's not 'elfish'," Selene replied. "Be grateful for small – oh, you humbugging draggletail! You knave in grain! You-"

"Might be able to hear you, if you go on like that," Kaitlyn cut her off.

"So?" snarled the vampire. "Better that than this… scragged travesty. Legolas is travelling to 'Winterwood' - that's a Geographical Aberration, if it wasn't blazingly obvious – to discuss what's clearly an arranged marriage with this young lady's father. Oh, and all the while the princess – who thinks her disguise is _so clever_ – is, quote, 'leaning up against a tree and picking blood out from under her nails'."

Kaitlyn cringed. "That's an entire charge list right there. Do you want to end it here?"

"No," Selene said, and Kaitlyn blinked in surprise at her firm tone. "You said she's still just about herself," Selene clarified, "and I'm guessing Legolas is as well. I want to _kill_ someone."

"O… kay." Kaitlyn considered trying to back away, but her position was precarious enough as it was. Option two, then: distraction. Fortunately, the story seemed to have the same idea.

…_she chuckled, pushing herself from the tree and pulling her leg up so that her knee touched her ear._

"Vana!" Kaitlyn hissed as Elsa tore her own leg off and lifted it to her ear. "What's the rating on this thing?"

"B for badfic," Selene said, her voice strained. Kaitlyn looked at her, then back at the leg in Elsa's hand, which was spurting hot red blood everywhere – not that the characters seemed to notice.

"I, uh. I'm thinking we should portal ahead now?"

Selene didn't reply, but began to hiss softly to herself. Kaitlyn bit her lip – _not_ hard enough to draw blood – and watched as Elsa '_lowered her leg and bent it at an angle as she rested it against the tree trunk behind her, giving her an innocent, yet deadly look_.' Given the amount of blood spattered around, Kaitlyn couldn't see the innocent – but given that Selene's eyes were now glowing bright red, 'deadly' was there in full force.

"Oh, Nessa take this," Kaitlyn snapped suddenly. Letting go of the branch, she grabbed the Remote Activator from Selene's belt and hit the button. The portal opened directly below them – which was fortunate, as Kaitlyn lost her balance and tumbled from the branch, pulling Selene down with her, through the blue hole in reality.

* * *

><p>They landed heavily, in a courtyard, in the rain, and in a heap. Kaitlyn flailed against Selene until the vampire climbed off her, then pushed herself up into a sitting position. "Next time," she said, "we stay at ground level."<p>

"I can get behind that." Selene looked up at the torrential rain, sighed, and held out a hand. "You have terrible aim, but… thank you."

"Welcome." Kaitlyn squinted up at the sky, letting the Words of the story come into focus. "Legolas should be heading for the throne room… but the Intelligence report said the castle was impossible to navigate."

Selene gave a thin smile and bent down to retrieve the Remote Activator. "Lucky we've got a cheat sheet, then," she said, flicked open a portal, and stepped through.

Kaitlyn frowned. "No, wait," she mumbled, "that analogy doesn't… oh, whatever." And she ducked through the portal into the vast throne room. Selene's aim was apparently rather better – she had opened the portal behind a towering pillar, though the lack of description meant it was carved from generic 'stone'. Still, it gave enough cover for the agents to go unnoticed when Legolas walked in.

_"Welcome! I would apologize for the weather, only I do not control it," chuckled the seven thousand year old elvin king, sinking down into his throne with a smile. "I trust that your journey was pleasent?"_

"Now that is some serious subsidence," Kaitlyn muttered, leaning around the pillar and staring as the king gradually disappeared into the stonework. "He should fire the builder."

"He should also fire his parents," Selene said. "This 7000-year-old 'elvin' king is named, I quip you not, _Jonathan_."

"It lacks a certain something, doesn't it?" Kaitlyn agreed. "Charge list?"

"_Definitely_ charge list." Selene scribbled at her notepad for a moment. "But the real question is: do I get to kill him to death? Only one way to be sure." She reached into her pack and plucked out a Character Analysis Device, similar in design to Kaitlyn's CAD, but designed to examine original characters, not canons.

_[Bip!]_

[King Jonathan of Winterwood. 'Elvin' male. Non-canon. Supporting Suvian]

"Yesssss," Selene hissed. "King Jonathan, you will not survive the night."

"Yeah, actually, he will," Kaitlyn corrected her. "We don't know where Elsa got to, and the next time we see _her_, we won't know where _Jonathan_ is. We need to wait for the morning to do the Duty."

"You are a horrible spoilsport and I hate you," Selene grumbled. "So can we portal?"

"Not unless you want to tick off the Hyacinth," Kaitlyn said. "There's charges to be won. Er, written. Not to mention I have to berate you yet again for claiming there aren't any hobbits in this fic."

Selene sighed. "Kaitlyn, there are _no_-"

"Shh! Listen."

_"Yes, she came in and saved me from the bandits," he confessed humbly. "She was tint, taller than a dwarf but still of small size…"_

"Hobbit!" Kaitlyn exclaimed. "Elsa is a genuine hobbit!"

"No," Selene corrected, "she's a tint. I'm going to guess blue, since I don't think white is counted."

Kaitlyn blinked. "So she's a Hooloovoo?" she asked.

"Impossible. She's not even normal intelligent, let alone super-."

Kaitlyn scowled at her. "You win this time, Selene Thingy Thingy Whatsit," she growled. "Pray you don't cross me again."

"I'm positively shaking in my extremely attractive boots." Selene shot a look at the characters in the hall: Legolas being led away by a small child, King Jonathan now buried right up to his shoulders in his chair. "As His Majesty there should be; I was already going to kill him, of course, but he's keeping a _seven year old girl_ as a servant. That's just twisted."

"There, there," Kaitlyn said soothingly, "you can eviscerate him tomorrow." She glanced at the Remote Activator. "In fact… shall we skip? There's nothing else before the morning."

"A good night's sleep, or getting to the murdering quicker," Selene mused. "Quite frankly, there's no contest." And she opened the portal once again.

* * *

><p>The agents stepped out into the dawn light of a large courtyard, in the middle of which Elsa was teaching ten small children – though they were roughly of a height with her – 'fighting styles'. Kaitlyn studied them dubiously.<p>

"I don't think the Montys would approve of her training methods," she mused. "Surely it would be better to focus on one style at once, rather than trying to do them all together?"

"I think she has bigger problems than that," Selene pointed out. "'I dare so to say that the lot of you might be able to hold them off until the army can assemble itself'? No, all these children would do is get themselves killed. Messily."

"Hold them off, distract them – same difference." Kaitlyn shrugged. "Maybe they're more highly-trained than they look? She seems to think they could pick off an invading force's horses by throwing stones at them from the trees."

"I suppose they could be magic, like her," Selene said. "I- oh, nicely done!" She applauded as the six 'younglings' not engaged in mock-fighting Elsa leapt in perfect synchronicity and bore her down to the ground. "Rather _too_ nicely, in fact. Children shouldn't be able to do that."

"No," Kaitlyn agreed, "but overall, that wasn't a bad scene. If the whole story was like that…"

_Legolas came in at that point and quickly picked up the younglings on her stomach and chest._

_"Get off her!" he ordered in a strong voice, helping her up with a hand. To his surprise, she was laughing as she dusted herself off._

Kaitlyn groaned and slapped a hand against her forehead. "Lack of faith in badfics: restored." She pointed her CAD at Legolas, making sure to hold the mute button firmly down. "Just as I thought: he's bordering on character rupture. No way would Legolas think she was seriously in trouble and needed rescuing."

"But if he didn't, how could she look down her nose at him some more?" Selene asked. "Come along, Kaitlyn, you're going to ruin the predictable, cliché plot."

"I thought that was why we were here?"

"Shh."

The rest of the scene was fairly inoffensive – mostly because all the things it did wrong had already been done. Legolas noticed Elsa was pretty, she gave him an 'icy' smile – "That's actually quite subtle use of adjective choice," Kaitlyn observed – and the pair exchanged a good deal of banter. Selene's scribbling pen provided a constant counterpoint as she expanded her charge list.

"Before they go and shoot each other, or whatever they're planning on doing at the archery range," the vampire said, holding up her CAD, "can you get a read off Elsa?"

"Not a problem." Kaitlyn waved the Canon Analysis Device in the couple's general direction.

[Elsa of Winterwood. Faerie/tint female. Non-canon. Warrior Suvian]

Selene grinned widely, showing her teeth. "Excellent. That's all I wanted to know."

"Really? I wanted to know why it's significant that her arrows have swan-feather fletching." Kaitlyn tilted her head and watched Legolas and Elsa depart. "I suppose it could indicate that she's related to the royal family of the Teleri, what with Olwë's connection to swans, but-"

"You really know how to ruin a dramatic line, don't you?" Selene sighed and turned away. "Come on, let's go find breakfast."

Kaitlyn frowned. "Aren't we following them?"

"The story doesn't bother," Selene replied. "They go off towards the archery fields, and then… breakfast."

"That's weird," Kaitlyn murmured. "Don't you think that's weird? With all the showing-off Elsa's doing, you'd think she'd love the chance to out-shoot Legolas."

Selene smirked. "Maybe she couldn't?" she suggested. "It'd be pretty embarrassing if she tried and failed…"

"I like that explanation, and so I shall assume it's true." Kaitlyn glanced up at the Words, then shrugged. "Did you say breakfast? I could eat a whole mushroom."

"Not very hungry, then?"

Kaitlyn looked her in the eye. "I didn't say how _big_ a mushroom."

Selene chuckled dryly as they made their way back into the palace. "Did you know," she said, "Legolas climbed out of his window this morning, because he didn't think he could navigate the palace?"

"And Intelligence did claim it was a maze," Kaitlyn recalled. "Should we portal?"

"No need," Selene pointed out. "The phrasing of the scene shift means we should be pulled straight-"

_Later that morning, Legolas found himself sitting in a small dining room just off the main hall with King Jonathan, eating a very delicious breakfast._

"-there." Selene caught herself against the doorframe as Kaitlyn stumbled against her. "Quietly, now," she murmured. "We're out of the king's line of sight, but if we make a sound…"

Kaitlyn nodded and focussed her attention on the scene before them. Legolas had popped into existence in the dining room at the same moment as them, and was looking exceptionally baffled – but not baffled enough to ignore the food in front of him. Between mouthfuls, he questioned King Jonathan about the mysterious Princess Elsa.

"I can't believe he hasn't figured it out," Kaitlyn grumbled to her partner. "Doesn't he read the summaries?"

"He was probably too busy thinking about the – heh – toast and jam he'd be having for breakfast," Selene murmured. "I see we're also having stew, fruit, and, mm, pancakes." She hid a small smile. "Ah, the memories…"

King Jonathan set about describing his daughter, and Kaitlyn sighed. "And the last nail is driven in," she whispered. "Elsa refuses to act like a princess, is terrifyingly clever – another point for the Hooloovoo theory, that – and has a tragic backstory. She's a Suvian through and through."

"At least it saves us some trouble," Selene replied. "Getting her back to Arendelle would have been tricky."

Finally, Elsa arrived, making what she probably thought was a quip about hunting rabbits, and was immediately given a huge plate of food. "That's making me very hungry," Kaitlyn said. "Do you think – sweet Yavanna!"

Elsa had begun to wolf down her breakfast, even faster than she had moved in the initial fighting scene. In seconds she had gone through a mountain of fruit, causing her cheeks to, according to the words, 'bulge' as she devoured it. All the time she carried on a conversation with her father and Legolas.

_"Did you save Legolas from bandits last night?" he asked her bluntly._

_"I saved his hide, if that was what you were asking, father," she responded, finished with her fruit and now starting on her pancakes._

"Of course that's what he's asking, you cork-brained Blowsabella," Selene snarled. King Jonathan's head whipped round, and Elsa leapt to her feet.

"Who are you?" the princess demanded. "What are you doing here?"

"We're with the PPC," said Kaitlyn, stepping forward to join her partner, "and we've got some charges for you."

"A _lot_ of charges," Selene amended, "but they can be summed up as follows: for abusing every language you came across, for rampant misuse of weapons and training, for the creation of an uncanonical forest, for crimes against logic, character, and canon itself, you, Elsa and Jonathan of 'Winterwood', are condemned to die."

"Never!" yelled Elsa, and lunged across the table at Selene, miraculously avoiding slipping on anything. The vampire's eyes blazed red as she saw the throwing star clutched in Elsa's hand.

"It's a swiving ranged weapon!" Selene yelled, dodging aside even faster than Elsa could move. She ducked behind the king's chair, ran past Legolas – who was just now beginning to react, so badly had the fic dulled his wits – and stopped against the far wall. "That means you _throw_ it, you totty-headed draggletail!"

"You already used draggletail!" Kaitlyn called from under the table.

"Shut it, you." Elsa had crossed the table again, and was charging at Selene, throwing star still in hand. With a frustrated grunt, Selene flicked her hand out, and Elsa's forehead seemed to sprout a metal flower. For half a second, Elsa ran on – then her eyes widened and she stumbled, fell, and hit the floor full-length.

"_That's_ how you do it," Selene said, kneeling down to retrieve her weapon. "Oh, I forgot to ask if you had any last words. Oh, well."

"No!" cried Legolas at long last, getting to his feet. "Princess Elsa! I- _unk_." The elf tumbled over backwards, and Kaitlyn waved at Selene with her free hand – the one that _wasn't_ wrapped around Legolas' ankle.

"Any time you want to sort out His Majesty, feel free," she called.

"Oh, yes." Selene's voice was low and dangerous as she turned to face King Jonathan. He hadn't stirred from his seat, though his face was white with terror. "The king of Winterwood," she said. "For you, I have another charge: that of child slavery. How do you plead?"

"My, my daughter," King Jonathan gasped. "What did you do to my daughter?"

"Actually, never mind." Selene grinned. "I don't care how you plead. Your sentence is death. Goodbye." Her eyes blazed with crimson fire, and as the king leapt too late to his feet, a blinding bolt of lightning tore through the ceiling and incinerated him where he stood.

The castle of Winterwood vanished in an instant, leaving the three of them in a simple forest glade – Selene standing against a tree, Legolas flat on his back, and Kaitlyn crouched under a bush, still holding his leg. "Ow!" she exclaimed, twisting sideways. "Ow, ow, brambles, ow!"

Selene chuckled, crossed the clearing, and held out a hand. "Come on," she said, "let's go home… partner."

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. _The Lord of the Rings_ belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. _Frozen_ belongs to Disney. _Winterwood_ belongs to Allanna Stone, and is quoted, paraphrased and dissected here for the purposes of parody and humour; no claim of ownership is made by SturmUndSquee or any other members of the PPC.

**Agent Kaitlyn's Constructive Criticism**

I actually really liked the idea of this one. Legolas and Elsa could have great chemistry together, and forcing Legolas to confront a form of magic entirely different to any he's previously encountered could make for a compelling story. You have a few spelling errors, so it might be a good idea to find someone to beta-read your fic, but that's pretty minor.

More serious, to me, are the differences between this world and Middle-earth. Winterwood has with an elven king and a faerie princess. An elf would never be named Jonathan, there's no race of faeries ('faerie', 'fairy' and 'faery' are all words used by Tolkien of elves, and specifically of the High Elves of the West – not of hobbit-sized magic creatures), and there is no Winterwood.

But all of that is actually incidental: a name can be changed with no trouble at all ('Now We All Have Elvish Names' suggests translating Jonathan as 'Eruánion'), and there actually _is_ a place where Winterwood could fit on the map: the Withered Heath, northeast of Mirkwood. It's withered because it became the abode of dragons – but it could certainly have been an elven kingdom before they came. Given its northerly location, _Winterwood_ would be a good name for it.

As for the faeries – well, I don't know what you're planning, but at the moment there's no reason Elsa can't simply be an elf. She has an unknown form of magic – so she has an unknown form of magic. It doesn't mean she needs to be a new, unknown species.

I like seeing Elsa built up as a warrior – in that area of the world, she'd almost have to be. It's unfortunate, then, that Legolas' skills seem to have degraded as a byproduct of this. Take the first chapter as an example: it would have been a far more dramatic scene to have Legolas fight his hardest, doing very well, only to be ever so slightly overstretched, to have someone attacking from behind that he couldn't quite stop – and then to have a throwing star come in from nowhere and save him. That way, Elsa and Legolas could have fought side-by-side, gained _mutual_ respect, and kept Legolas in-character.

The arranged marriage also worries me. Elves are immortal. Legolas son of Thranduil has no expectation of succeeding his father, and no reason to want to spend the rest of forever with someone for political reasons. I think your story would have been better served by the old medieval cliché of falling in love with the lady's portrait, and riding off to meet her. Or, even more interesting, something I've seen suggested – falling in love through listening to music she composed. Elves love the mind as much as the body, after all – and can you picture Legolas trying to reconcile the beautiful songstress he'd imagined with the warrior woman in front of him?

I'm impressed that you didn't feel the need to shoehorn Elsa's magic in right from the start, instead waiting for the time when it would make a proper impact on the story (and on Legolas!). I wonder, though, how you intend to reconcile it with the new personality you've given Elsa. A lot of Elsa's appeal comes from her uncertainty, and her fear of both other people finding out, and of hurting others. You've turned her into an expert fighter – so what does she have left to be uncertain about? Just something to ponder.

All in all, I think you have the kernel of a good story here. You have two characters with the potential for a very interesting relationship, you have secrets kept and revealed, you have large numbers of children to keep the cuteness quotient high. All you need is a bit of work to get the story to sit more comfortably in Tolkien's world.


	3. And So The Journey Begins

"What're you up to?"

"What does it look like?"

Selene waited a few seconds, but it was clear no more reply was to be forthcoming. "You know," she said, "normally that's a rhetorical question."

Kaitlyn didn't look away from the console screen. "Are you insinuating I'm normal?"

"I wouldn't dream of it."

"Good girl. Now answer the question."

Selene blinked. "I was about to say the same… all right. It _looks_ like you're writing up a mission report, but I know for a fact that you've already finished one."

"You're pretty close, though. I'm writing up concrit for _Winterwood_."

Selene frowned and crossed to her side. "The story we just killed? But… we just killed it."

"And the first rule of Tautology Club is the first rule of Tautology Club."

"I mean to ask: _why_?"

Kaitlyn shrugged, and brushed her hair away from her face. "I used to have this friend, Ella. She worked in a tiny little department called Author Correspondence, and she pointed out to me that Pippin abuse tended to repeat itself in an author's fics. So if I send concrit to the writers of my targets, there's a chance of saving myself more work down the line." She looked at the screen, edited a line, and then closed the window. "I guess it's just a habit I got into."

"Oh. Huh." Selene studied her face. "Does it… work?"

"Haven't the foggiest. But I'm done now, so I'm going to take a shower."

_[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]_

"Or not." Scowling, Kaitlyn flicked the red button and opened the mission report. "And we have an… Aromance. Is that the term?"

"Depends what you mean," Selene replied. "Are we in comics now? Green Arrow?"

"No, still LotR," Kaitlyn told her. "Aragorn-mance. But the report says it's a very slow starter, and…" She trailed off, staring, then quickly closed the window.

Selene's eyes narrowed. "What?"

"Oh, nothing." Kaitlyn coughed. "Say, just remind me, who's your Lust Object in Middle-earth, again?"

Selene bent in close to her ear. "What," she growled, "has she done to Boromir?"

Kaitlyn squirmed in her chair. "Remember that one Jay Thorntree mission? _All Souls Night_?"

Selene frowned, then her eyes widened in horror. "No…"

"'fraid so."

"You're telling me that white-livered, spider-shanked, jingle-brained _trapes_ has saved Boromir – for the sole purpose of forcing me to ensure his death?"

"I doubt that's why she- okay, okay." Kaitlyn pulled up the disguise interface quickly, avoiding Selene's red-eyed glare. "Uruk-hai, there's lots of them around, grab your pack, let's go." She summoned the portal, practically threw herself out of the chair, and darted through, leaving Selene no option but to follow.

* * *

><p><em>Guinevere struggled to keep up with Aragorn as the ranger weaved his way through the treacherous terrain with practised ease. She kept stumbling over bits and pieces of rock and leaf though none drew blood. They merely obstructed her progress. She was short of breath and could not call Aragorn back as he went further than her eyesight. But her interest in following him reduced to naught as she was met with Boromir's familiar visage. The Gondorian descended from terrain peppered with autumn leaves and wintry twigs. He bore a pile of sticks in his arms.<em>

_"Where is Frodo?" She snarled at him, holding back every inch of her will that told her to launch herself at him and pummel him to the pulp._

"Whoa." Selene ducked behind a tree, and found Kaitlyn already there. "That's beyond _in media res_. What's going on?"

"There was a note in the report that said nothing really changes until Boromir's death-or-lack-thereof," Kaitlyn told her, her tone suspiciously casual. "So I skipped a bit."

"… how much of a bit?"

"Erm…" Kaitlyn squinted up at the Words. "Seven and a half chapters?"

Selene stared at her. "Do you have the _faintest_ idea how much trouble you're going to get into?"

Kaitlyn snorted. "What're they going to do – kick me out of Floaters? I think I can handle that. What about you?"

"Honestly?" Selene shrugged. "I'd rather _not_ become Persecution Target Number One again."

"Then you'd better do your job," Kaitlyn told her. "Charge list?"

"Who got staked and left _you_ in charge?" Selene muttered, pulling out her notebook. "Urple prose?"

"_So_ urple. And… badly urple, too. Did you catch 'Guinevere attempted to make her way up the hill that he'd returned from'? I mean, it's understandable, but English grammar is screaming out for mercy." Kaitlyn leant out around the tree, and winced as Boromir threw Guinevere to the ground. "And the character massacre begins…"

"' Would you hurt a Halfling?'" Selene parroted. "That line doesn't make sense – she's clearly a full-scale human."

"Fuzzy logic, driving people OOC… we might not have to spend too long in here." There was an edge to Kaitlyn's grin – one that found its match in Selene's.

"The sooner we kill her, the better," the vampire agreed, then blinked as Guinevere started to run away from Boromir – backwards up the hill. "Follow?"

"Follow." The agents ran past the oblivious Boromir, and Kaitlyn shook her head sadly. "I know the canon hides us from its own," she said, "but you'd think he'd notice _something_. You practically tripped over him!"

"That's what being a Suvian's plaything does to you," Selene snarled as they came in sight of Guinevere and slowed to a walk.

"Now, now," Kaitlyn cautioned, "we don't know she's a Suvian yet."

Selene waved a hand at the scene in front of them: Guinevere watching helplessly as Aragorn confronted the terrified Frodo. "She's simultaneously interfering in a canon scene, and having absolutely no effect on it. What _else_ would you call her?"

In answer, Kaitlyn grabbed Selene's Character Analysis Device and pointed it at Guinevere. The CAD let out a soft _[Bip!]_, and Kaitlyn held it out for her partner to see.

"I'd call her a Tenth Walker Suvian," she said, "but a borderline one. That's why it's always better to check. Less questions later, see?"

Selene scowled at the confirmed Suvian as she took the Ring out of Frodo's hand – 'pried' was the word the fic used – and hung it effortlessly around his neck, along with her own necklace which of course instantly became the focus of Frodo's attention. "Who is she, anyway?" she asked, as Frodo embraced Guinevere.

"Modern-day Suvian," Kaitlyn reported, squinting up at the Words. "She was depressed because of something urple, fell down an honest-to-Nienna Lewis Carroll rabbit hole in her basement, and landed in Middle-earth. She amazed Legolas by knowing what the world was called, got taken to Rivendell, joined the Fellowship – you know, the usual nonsense."

Selene snorted agreement. "And are you going to say as much in your concrit?"

Kaitlyn shrugged. "Probably not. I'm only planning on commenting on the bits we've seen, and saying 'nonsense' tends to blind people to any suggestions you make. So says the voice of experience."

"I bow to your superior wisdom," Selene said. "Speaking of sudden changes of topic – where'd she go?"

_"Hey! Hey! Over here!"_

Kaitlyn's eyes widened. "Merry!" she exclaimed. "_Pippin!_" And she barrelled off into the undergrowth, heedless of the brambles, rocks, and of her yet-again-abandoned partner.

Selene caught up with her on the edge of the battle. Kaitlyn was crouched behind a bush, glaring out at Guinevere. "I thought I was going to have to drag you away from her," the vampire said.

"I may be excitable, but I'm not thick," Kaitlyn growled back, and gestured at her disguised form. "If I go out there as an Uruk, she'll shoot me just like she did 'the key Uruk-Hai of the pack'." She snorted. "Which means she'll take ten seconds to nock an arrow, and still somehow get a shot off before I do."

"I assume she just injured him?" Selene said, glancing up at the Words. "She complains about not being very good with weapons."

"Don't you believe it." Kaitlyn sniffed. "Shot him in the throat. Since then she's stabbed an Uruk through the chest with that sword she's claiming is too heavy for her. And-"

The arrow came whistling through the air and struck Boromir's shoulder with a sickening thud. Selene cried out and tried to run to him, but Kaitlyn grabbed her belt and hauled her back.

"Remember how that would be suicide?" she snapped. "We'll punish her for it later, I promise."

Selene took a deep breath, shook her head, and pulled out her charge list. "No," she said, writing slowly, "this is canonical. It just… it hurts every time." She reached up and brushed her fingers over the brass and steel of the Key, webbed over the side of her face.

"Actually, you're wrong," Kaitlyn told her. "Remember, she's just murdered Lurtz. That bow Generic Uruk is using? It's _her_ bow."

Selene hissed, red fire flickering in her eyes as a second arrow flew across the clearing, just missing Guinevere. "Do I have time to go and take over the shooting before she gets hit?"

The third arrow followed almost instantly after the first, aimed at Boromir's chest – but Guinevere leapt ridiculously high in the air and took it in the leg, instead. "I'd say no," Kaitlyn said. "I'd also say, 'Why can't we have a badfic where the fight scenes are believable?'."

"Because then they wouldn't be badfics." Selene stabbed her pencil into the page as Boromir took a second arrow, then a sword thrust to the chest, so strong that _even his breastplate could not save his life._ "No, because he hasn't got one," Selene muttered. "Why does she get so many of the details wrong?"

"I think that's why the CAD called her a Suvian," Kaitlyn mused. "Aside from the urple prose, she's not all that bad in the broad strokes – predictable, but not too bad. But the details are, like, _all_ wrong."

Selene frowned at her. "Don't go feeling sympathetic towards her," she warned. "We _do_ have to kill her, remember."

"I'm looking forward to it," Kaitlyn said firmly. "I'm just talking so I don't have to pay attention as poor Pip gets manhandled by filthy Uruks." She cast a longing look towards the hobbits, who were even now being dragged out of the clearing. "I just want to keep them safe…"

"I wouldn't try it," Selene said, her own gaze avoiding the fallen figure of Boromir. "It's canonical – and besides, right now _you're_ a filthy Uruk."

"That's why I prefer to disguise as a hobbit," Kaitlyn told her. "Well… one of the reasons, anyway." The hobbits and their captors passed out of sight, and she shook herself. "All right. On with the mission."

Aragorn crashed into the clearing in an avalanche of urple prose to defend Boromir and Guinevere. While he duelled the Uruk looming over them, Guinevere _struggled to reach around her neck; a menial task that she once did with great ease. The necklace gifted to her by Lady Galadriel was cracked and most of the potion had seeped from the vial but there was enough to save one life. She forced it to his lips before letting the crystal vial slip from her hands. Boromir slowly but surely began to mend as his breathing eased up ever so slightly._

"Oh, lovely," Selene grunted, still scribbling at the charge list. "She's got a magic necklace which is, surprise surprise, all broken now. She couldn't just have let him heal by _normal_ means?"

"Then there'd be no point her being here," Kaitlyn pointed out, then corrected herself as Aragorn ignored Boromir to kneel down at Guinevere's side. "No point other than to seduce Isildur's Heir away from his stunningly attractive betrothed." She snorted. "I've never understood how people think they can manage that. I mean, would _you_ leave Arwen for someone else?"

"I wouldn't be _with_ Arwen," Selene said, "but I see your point. Maybe if you set it up over the course of a story, but…"

"Exactly." Kaitlyn gestured at the characters. "'_Y-You have to let g-go of me now. I-I'm not going t-to make it._' That's no basis for a relationship."

"No argument here," Selene agreed. "It – okay, no, _what_?"

"What what?" Kaitlyn frowned out at the scene. "I didn't hear anything too bad."

"You couldn't hear it from here anyway," Selene growled. "Boromir said Aragorn should take care of Guinevere first, saying he'd heal. Fair enough, and in-character. Then he fell asleep – it's in the Words."

"But that's not right." Kaitlyn gestured at Boromir, who was giving instructions to Legolas as the Elf tended his wounds. "He's doing his canonical lines."

"In his sleep, apparently." Selene sighed. "We said she doesn't pay attention to details, right? Details like… story flow?"

"I _did_ mention it was in the middle of a rewrite," Kaitlyn reminded her, glancing up at the Words. "Though I don't know as I'd edit and update half a chapter…"

"Nor I." Selene drummed her fingers on her thigh. "Did Intelligence say there was anything else in this scene? It looks pretty canonical from here on."

"Mm… they mentioned an appearance of 'chocolaty orbs' for Guinevere's eyes," Kaitlyn recalled, "but no, nothing much. They spend the rest of the evening repeating things we already know about magic medicine and, well, this." She waved vaguely out at the characters. "Then there's a 'two days later' – apparently that's where the Spy gave up and went home."

"Then let's go there," Selene said. She took a few paces back into the woods, getting out of sight of the characters in the clearing, and opened a portal.

* * *

><p>The agents stepped through into a hedgerow. "I – ow – swear these thorns are prehensile!" Kaitlyn yelped as she fought her way free.<p>

Selene hissed in pain and yanked her arm out of the bush. "Why a hedge?" she demanded. "What has that bunter done now?"

"Put a 'hedge-grow' on Amon Hen, apparently," Kaitlyn reported, scanning the Words. "It's here for – duck!"

Selene threw herself on the ground as a large black horse melted out of the woods and pushed through the hedge, followed by a smaller white mare. As soon as she could clamber to her feet, she joined Kaitlyn in peering between the branches.

The shorter agent hissed to herself, a sound so close to Selene's customary noise of displeasure that she looked over. Kaitlyn was glaring at the black stallion fiercely. "I _know_ you," she whispered.

"It's only just appeared," Selene pointed out. "Was it in the report?"

"No," Kaitlyn muttered, "it was in another mission." She met Selene's incredulous look and shrugged. "It called itself Moréfindiel then, not 'Belan', and claimed to be female, but it's the same horse, Vana take it! Related to the steeds of the Nazgul, able to find its master at plot-convenient moments… I _knew_ we should have hunted it down."

"So it's a… fic-travelling Suvian horse," Selene concluded. "This might complicate things a little."

"Oh, you think?" Kaitlyn tossed her head, reached up to brush her hair away from her face, then remembered that her current disguise didn't have any. "We'll have to kill it, or recruit it, or do _something_ to it."

"If we take it back to HQ, maybe Alice can tame it," Selene suggested. "The _meara_ are Lords of Horses, after all, right?"

"Maybe," Kaitlyn agreed. She glanced over the hedge: Boromir was climbing onto the white horse, and Guinevere was already mounted on Morébelan. "But not right now. They're going to catch up with the Three Hunters, right?"

"I guess that's what 'and follow it, we shall' means, yes," Selene agreed. "Portal?"

"I'm certainly not running across Rohan to try and keep up with them," Kaitlyn replied. "Make it so."

* * *

><p><em>"Guinevere."<em>

_Still she did not stir. Rather her eyes were fixed on Shadowfax as he galloped across the moss and large puddles, bearing Gandalf on his back. Her belongings were prepared for the long ride to Helm's Deep but she made no move to join them._

"Wait, what?" Kaitlyn ducked behind a somewhat misty pillar – it seemed the story had failed to define exactly where the scene was taking place – and shot an accusing look at her partner. "Did you skip ahead and not tell me?"

"No!" Selene skimmed frantically back through the Words. "It just – changes! It's like there's two or three chapters missing!"

"Well, that's just great," Kaitlyn grouched. "How does she expect us to kill her if she keeps disorienting us?"

The agents ducked further back into the shadows as Aragorn appeared, placing a hand on Guinevere's shoulder. They conversed in hushed tones, too quiet for the agents to hear – but their body language gave the subject away. "Embracing, hair-stroking, smiles – oh yes, Aragorn is well and truly ensnared."

"You know," Kaitlyn mused as Guinevere closed the door to her room, "that actually wasn't too bad. If it wasn't Aragorn – if she'd set her sights on someone who _wasn't_ already madly in love – then I'd be inclined to believe it."

Selene nodded. "Details again," she agreed. "In this case, the detail of who exactly she's flirting with. If she could just get them sorted out-"

The pair suddenly found themselves on the plains of Rohan, starkly visible in the daylight, Guinevere not more than ten feet away from them. Kaitlyn yelped and threw herself to the ground, Selene only a second behind.

"-then she'd _still_ have horrible problems with scene changes," Selene finished. "Ow. Temporal shifts – why did it have to be temporal shifts?"

Kaitlyn was straining her neck to get a look at the Words as Guinevere, chatting with the mounted Legolas, moved away. "We've got a bigger problem than that," she said. "She's 'let Belan free to roam the wild and return to them as he preferred'. I have a horrible feeling we're never going to see the horse again."

Selene grimaced, pushing herself up into a sitting position now Guinevere had passed out of sight around an outcropping. "So we need to go and look for it?"

"Brilliant idea, Agent Thingy Thingy Whatsit," Kaitlyn replied. "We'll go look for a horse. In Rohan. How hard can it be, it's a piece of cake, what could possibly go wrong?"

"… fair point," Selene allowed. "So what _do_ we do?"

"One thing we _don't_ do is try to stalk her across Rohan in these disguises," Kaitlyn said. "All it would take is one shout, and we'd be mincemeat. And…" She checked the Words again. "They've slipped into doing canonical scenes – you know, the whole 'dwarf women' skit?"

"I know a dwarf who really hates it, if that's what you mean." Selene patted her Remote Activator. "Skip?"

"Skip."

* * *

><p><em>Éowyn readily offered Legolas and Aragorn the soup, prominently ignoring Guinevere as the latter shot the other two of her company a secretive smile. Supposing that Gimli's warning was only an exaggeration, both elf and man took the proffered wood bowls of stew.<em>

"Skip."

* * *

><p><em>Gimli rooted himself into the ground trying to hold back tears. "H-He…he fell."<em>

"Skip."

* * *

><p><em>The water that soaked his tunic was ice cold and the sun bleared harshly into his eyes. Aragorn let his body be carried by the waves of water.<em>

"Sweet merciful Nessa, really? Skip!"

* * *

><p><em>Théoden scoffed "Where was Gondor when Rohan was in need of aid at the Westfold? Where was Gondor when Uruk-hai scavenged my lands burning villages to the ground? Where was…" Théoden took a breath "No. Gondor will not come. We are truly alone in this war." He said resolutely.<em>

"Can't we just kill her anyway?"

"Without seeing more of the Aromance, I'm not even sure she needs to die. Skip – but make it a short one."

"Ugh. Fine."

* * *

><p><em>"You can't keep doing this to me." She told him. The words were meant to be harsh and impartial but all they sounded was helpless and imploring, "It's not fair Aragorn. It isn't. I let you leave only to find out that you were dead. You are so unpredictable; I can't even make you out! Destined to be a king, how can you be so reckless!?"<em>

"At _last_." Kaitlyn let out an explosive sigh and leant back against the wall. Guinevere's voice, busy denouncing Aragorn for leaving her when she needed him, was coming from the next room. "And she's… complaining that he didn't think about her when he was busy being killed? Does she _know_ how conceited and self-centred that is?"

"Probably not," Selene said, perched on the windowledge and already writing out charges. "She's a Suvian, after all."

Kaitlyn scowled at the doorway. "She comes _so close_ to being convincing," she said, "and then it all falls apart. And the worst part is, you can tell she thinks she's doing it right." Her frown deepened at the sound of Aragorn kissing Guinevere. "She doesn't even _realise_ she's warping him so badly. He loves her too much to ever hurt her - when canonically he allowed Arwen to take upon herself the ultimate sacrifice an elf can make? He has a 'carefree grin' - on the eve of the battle of the Hornburg, when all of Middle-earth is at stake? This is _not Aragorn_." The agent sat down on a nearby bed with a thump. "It's not even Movie!Aragorn at his worst. It's… a fantasy."

"Badfic," Selene said. "Suvian." She jabbed a pen upwards at the Words. "She thinks of Middle-earth as more real than her entire previous life. She thinks that having her heart broken once means she should run away to an entirely different universe - and that having done that, there is no way anything can go wrong. She has unreasonable expectations, and twists the canon to make them work."

"Right," Kaitlyn agreed. "Badfic. Suvian." She tilted her head, listening. "Gone?"

"Gone." Selene hopped down to the floor, turned, and looked out at the darkening sky. "Does that look 'solemn and ominous' to you?"

"Absolutely," Kaitlyn agreed absently. She tugged the door open a crack and peered through; the room was definitely empty. "Any idea where they've gone?"

Selene squinted up at the Words. "We've got a lot of urple, and then… the armoury. I think we're back to ripping off the movie."

"At least we'll know what's going on. Come on." Kaitlyn ducked through the doorway, then out into the corridor beyond.

The sight of two Uruk-hai walking purposefully through the hallways of the Hornburg should have been turning heads left, right, and centre. The fact that it didn't was down to the PPC's canon-friendly nature - to save itself from damage, the canon was willing (if such a word can be used of a non-intelligent entity) to keep the agents from being noticed by its own, unless they drew attention to themselves. The same, unfortunately, did not apply to Suvians and other OCs, but in Helm's Deep there were more than enough hiding places.

Kaitlyn stepped into the armoury just as Aragorn yelled his movie line, "_Then I shall die as one of them!_" She ducked behind a rack of armour as Isildur's Heir stomped past, and heard Selene's yelp as she dodged out of his way.

Ever ready to claim the focus of the scene for herself, Guinevere declared that Rohan had never fallen to the enemy - "That's a flat-out lie, what about Wulf?" Kaitlyn muttered - and ran after Aragorn. Kaitlyn tensed, expecting an outcry as the Suvian noticed Selene, but there was nothing.

The reason became clear when Kaitlyn followed her out. Selene had grabbed a cloak from a passing warrior, then ducked to avoid his gaze as he swung round. The canon shielding fell back into place, and he continued on his way - leaving Selene as a safely anonymous figure in the hall.

"Nice trick," Kaitlyn said. "Don't suppose you considered getting me one?"

"Now why," Selene wondered, "would I do that?"

"'s what I thought. Come on."

_Aragorn leaned on the fortress staring aimlessly into the darkness. His elbows were rigid underneath the cold stone._

The agents stopped in the doorway and stared in horror and amazement. True to the Words, Aragorn was leaning against the wall of the Hornburg, and some trick of perspective made it seem as if he had grown large enough to rest his hands on the topmost turret. He couldn't, of course - which may have been more to do with the fact that his arms were buried elbow-deep in the stonework.

"I'm not surprised they're rigid, stuck in there!" Kaitlyn whispered, trying desperately to hold back a giggle. "What was he _thinking_?"

Selene tilted her head, listening to the characters as they spoke. "That he wants to see the sunrise," she reported. "Apparently he doesn't get to very often - and Guinevere's only seen it once."

"Er…"

"I know, believe me." Selene sighed. "Details. It's always the details."

"And the urple," Kaitlyn agreed. "Hey, speaking of, let me see your charge list a minute."

Selene's eyes narrowed. "Speaking of urple? I've been to OFUM, I know what your favourite hobbits get up to…"

"Don't be mean," Kaitlyn chided. "Come on, I just want to read it."

"... all right." Selene handed over the notepad, and Kaitlyn flicked through it as Aragorn and Guinevere discussed the fact that war is bad, and Guinevere told Aragorn to give the Rohirrim hope - "which might be tricky, since she's twisted Hope beyond all recognition," Selene muttered.

"That was pretty good," Kaitlyn said, not looking up. "I mean, jokes about Aragorn's names aren't exactly new, but that one was pretty smooth."

"I do my best," Selene said, stepping back into the shadows as Aragorn kissed Guinevere on the lips and left. The Suvian lingered for a few moments, then headed towards the other door.

"Thanks," Kaitlyn said suddenly, and, "Catch!" Selene's arm whipped out, snagging the notebook out of the air - and then she felt her cloak slip away, and turned to glare at Kaitlyn.

"That's mine," the vampire hissed. "Go get your own."

"No time," Kaitlyn said cheerfully, jogging out onto the balcony. "Got a job to do. Catch you later!"

_Now unoccupied, Guinevere sought to wander aimlessly._

Drawing her purloined cloak tightly around herself, Kaitlyn hurried after Guinevere. She caught up with her halfway down a corridor. "Lady Guinevere," she called, pitching her voice as high as her Uruk throat would allow it.

Guinevere turned her pale face upon the newcomer, a deep furrow wending its way across her high forehead. "What would you seek of me?" she asked gently, wondering at the newcomer's strange manner and mode of dress.

Kaitlyn winced as the urple prose washed over her. "You shouldn't be here," she said, then held up a hand as Guinevere went to reply. "I don't mean this corridor. Middle-earth. You shouldn't be here."

Guinevere's chocolaty orbs widened, the dim light catching in them and throwing back brilliant iridescent highlights. "I know it," she declared, gazing upon her new-found companion. "I fell… and yet at the same time it seems as if I _should_ be here. I have a purpose here – friends – Aragorn…"

Kaitlyn shook her head, trying to clear it. "Guinevere. Since you arrived, you've consistently ignored the details that make Middle-earth work, in favour of your own idea of what's right. You've torn the people you call friends away from their destined paths with neither rhyme nor reason. You've- well, your prose is frankly terrifying, but I don't expect you to know what that means. You force history into new shapes, and then expect it to continue on its old path regardless. You've turned Aragorn into someone other than himself. You are, unmistakably, a Suvian."

She took a deep breath. "And so I offer you a choice. You can go home – I have the power to take you there. And for the rest of your life, you can look back on this adventure. We'll fix what you've broken, and it will all be over."

Guinevere shook her weary head, her eyes flushed with tears as she dismissed the unseen woman's offer. "To forsake my friends at this juncture would be faithless. What other option do you present to me?"

"To refuse to listen," said Kaitlyn quietly. "And if you do, I'll stop you. Guinevere… it's better this way. Please. Just come with me, and I'll take you home."

Guinevere drew herself up tall and fair, a vision from the Elder Days if any had been there to witness it. "I shall not abandon my friends," she declaimed, holding one hand high, a fierce light flashing in her eyes. Her other hand rose to cover her heart. "And I could never leave Aragorn. I love- _urk!_"

Kaitlyn pulled her dagger back out of Guinevere's stomach, took a moment to re-aim, then drove it up under her ribs with a sharp thrust. "I was afraid you'd say that," she told the dying Suvian with a sigh. "And I understand, I really do. But the canon is more important than your whims."

Behind her, she heard soft footsteps, and then Selene's voice. "You didn't have to kill her," the vampire said.

"Yes," Kaitlyn murmured, "I did."

"No, I mean: you could have let _me_ do it."

Kaitlyn shrugged and got to her feet. "You got the last one," she told her partner. "Now, since we don't want a random body lying around the Hornburg – can you chuck it through a portal out onto the battlefield? No-one will notice it after a few thousand orcs march over it."

"Not a problem," Selene said, giving Guinevere's body a thoughtful look. "Would you really have done it – taken her home?"

"If she'd accepted? Probably." Kaitlyn stepped aside as Selene opened the portal and kicked the corpse through. "Thanks. And now… Boromir."

Selene swallowed hard. "Right. Boromir."

* * *

><p><em>Boromir heaved a breath and smiled as he relished in the warmth of his home.<em> He began to muse on his past, his family, his life so far, and absentmindedly pressed a hand to his aching shoulder. Then a sharp pain blossomed in his chest, and he gasped.

"He's reverting," growled a deep voice as the Captain of Gondor stumbled back against the stone wall, his legs no longer able to hold his weight. "With her gone, he's snapping back to canon."

"I can see that," a second voice snapped, and an Uruk stepped out of a nearby doorway to stare at Boromir. As the pain spread to his hip, he was astonished to see that the filthy creature actually seemed to be crying.

"We need to get him back to Amon Hen," the first voice said, its source revealed to be a second Uruk. "If we time it right, Aragorn will never know he was gone."

The crying Uruk stared down at Boromir as blood welled under his fingertips, the wound in his shoulder re-opening, and additional injuries appearing on his chest and side. "We have to do something for him," it – she, Boromir was somehow certain – wept. "Painkillers, or-"

"All we'd achieve would be to diminish his sacrifice," the other Uruk told her. "Selene – he'll go to his death with the memory of these happy times. That's all we can do for him."

The Uruks flinched back as arrows suddenly appeared in Boromir's wounds, and the Steward's son fell heavily to the flagstones. "Please," he groaned, holding out a hand towards the watchers – they couldn't actually be Uruk-hai, not the way they were talking. "Help me…"

The first Uruk who had appeared pulled a metallic contraption from its belt and pointed it at him. "I can't," she sobbed, and blue light enfolded the son of Denethor.

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. _The Lord of the Rings_ belongs to Tolkien, and the movie version to Jackson. _And So The Journey Begins_ belongs to The Italian Rose, and is quoted, paraphrased and dissected here for the purposes of parody and humour; no claim of ownership is made by SturmUndSquee or any other members of the PPC.

**SturmUndSquee's Author's Note:** So, one mission in and I've already been reported as abusive. I think this is a misunderstanding of the terms of service; though I don't know precisely how it has been reported, these are a few of the options I can see:

-Community Etiquette #4: 'Respect your fellow members and lend a helping hand when they need it'. PPC missions do not contain _any_ comments on, let alone attacks on, the author; if you can see any, please tell me and I'll take them out! What they contain is an often-acerbic commentary on a particular story. In effect, what they are is very long reviews - and Kaitlyn's Concrit (below) acts as a summary of the good and bad points.

-Entries Not Allowed #3: MSTs. An MST consists of copying the entire story and inserting comments between the lines. A PPC mission consists of quoting the original story as little as possible, and structuring a story around those minimal quotes. There's no more quoting in here than there is in a book review - and far less than in the many stories which quote extensively from their source canon (in fact, _And So The Journey Begins_ fits into this category very neatly!).

-Terms of Service #6: various details regarding copyright. My understanding of the Fair Use doctrine is that, as summarised by Wikipedia, it 'permits limited use of copyrighted material without acquiring permission from the rights holders. Examples of fair use include **commentary**, search engines, **criticism**, **parody**, news reporting, research, teaching, library archiving and scholarship.' Whether you consider PPC missions to be closer to commentary, criticism, or parody (or even teaching, if you like!) is up to you, but it clearly falls under one or more of the three.

-No citation: bullying. No, seriously, apart from Etiquette #4, seems to say nothing about bullying. But I don't care - bullying is a terrible thing, regardless of whether there are rules against it. Are these missions bullying the authors? I say a very firm no. I have no knowledge of the authors, no malice towards them, and no comments to make about them. Their _stories_ are another matter, and I will critique those at length. But the authors? I will never lay a finger on them.

Ultimately, these missions are written to serve two purposes: to entertain, and to teach. If you see something that amuses you, I'm fulfilling the first part. If you see something that makes you recognise a flaw in your own writing, I'm succeeding at the second. And if all you see is that Kaitlyn and Selene are picking apart a real person's story in order to make their points - then apparently I'm failing at both.

-S&S

**Agent Kaitlyn's Constructive Criticism**

One of the things that most impressed me about this story was how hard you've tried to emulate Tolkien's writing style. In fact, you've tried rather _too_ hard: you have far too many adjectives and adverbs, and use many more words than you need. As an example, the sentence '_His body was battered with blood and grit all over his skin and clothes but none of that mattered because he still drew breath'_ could be far more concisely written, '_Battered and bloodstained though he was, he still stood and fought._' One of the most important skills for a writer to learn is how to use _fewer_ words to say _more_.

You would also benefit from paying attention to the details. In the broad strokes, your story – the portion of it that I went through – isn't all that bad, but the small details betray you at every turn. Guinevere takes the Ring from Frodo and gives it straight back. She takes ten seconds to nock an arrow, but her opponent doesn't fire a single shot in that time. These are not issues that would affect the flow of the story if they were corrected – they mostly have no impact outside the line they're written on – but fixing them would make it vastly more readable.

I can see that you've tried to have events altered by the changes to the story, and I'm impressed by your restraint in keeping the changes to a minimum. Unfortunately, like with the writing style, you've gone rather too far: you have the Three Hunters run off despite having two wounded comrades to care for, and have Boromir's assistance at the Hornburg simply replace the film-canon Elves, rather than being a significant force. I know it makes things more difficult for you as a writer if you allow significant changes to events – but if you respect the logic of the world, sometimes you have to allow it to make those changes.

All in all, I think the idea your story centres around – Boromir being injured and returning to Minas Tirith, rather than dying at Amon Hen – has a great deal of potential. Ultimately, it isn't the broad outlines that cause you trouble – it's the details of how you take it on.


	4. Kelly The Roman Warrior

"Are you okay?"

"No."

"Do you need to visit FicPsych?"

"_No_."

Kaitlyn sighed, rose from her seat, and frowned at her partner. "Selene. You haven't said anything over two syllables since we got back. It was rotten, I know - but it was just a badfic, when all's said and done."

"That's easy for you to say," Selene growled. She was curled up on a beanbag, her face to the wall, uniform jacket huddled about her in a way that made it look disturbingly like a cloak.

Kaitlyn sighed, walked over, and crouched down a few feet away. "I know what it's like to see your lust object abused," she said. "This one mission, Pippin was thrown back in time to the First Age. He met Beren and Luthien, and they were _not_ in character." She shuddered at the memory. "Not one bit."

"It's not the same," Selene ground out, curling tighter.

"I fail to see why not," Kaitlyn replied, her voice calm. "Come one, you can tell me." She settled down into a sitting position, trying on her best 'open and receptive' expression. "I'm right here for-"

_[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-!]_

"Really? You think _that_ was me relaxing?"

_[-EEEEEEEEEEEE-]_

Selene lifted her head, her eyes bleary. "It's a relative thing," she said. "Get that, will you?"

_[-EEEEEEEEP!]_

Kaitlyn grunted, pushed herself up, and recrossed the Response Centre to slap the red button. "And we have a crossover."

"Another one?" Selene slowly unfolded herself and got to her feet. "What continuua?"

"It… er." Kaitlyn frowned, scrolled the report back up, and then down again. "Well. That's… a complicated question."

"You're just trying to distract me, aren't you?" Selene leant past her and took over the mouse. "_Lord of the Rings_ and _Twilight_. What was so hard about that?"

Kaitlyn tapped the screen. "The fact that it's set in Ancient Rome? And features Dracula? And, uh, Shrek and Tutankhamun and… wow, just, like, everything? Okay, what is it _now_?"

Selene's eyes had turned a fiery red, and her fingernails seemed to be trying to turn into claws, skittering over the metal of the console. "Dracula?" she hissed. "He is _there_?"

"Uh, yes." Kaitlyn took a hasty step back. "Is that going to be a problem?"

Selene mastered herself with a visible effort. "Not… if he knows what's good for him," she managed. "Disguises?"

"Hobbits," Kaitlyn said firmly.

Selene rolled her eyes. "Seriously? The report says there's barely any LotR in it. Hobbits will be wildly out of place."

"True," Kaitlyn agreed, and then held up a finger. "_But_. 'Kelly' spends most of her time wandering around in the woods. Hobbits are good at moving silently."

"But would not be likely to kill a 'Roman warrior'," Selene countered. "Besides, there's something far more suitable right there in the story." She tapped the screen. "The Spy even suggested it, look."

"No," Kaitlyn said. "No, no, no. That's a terrible idea."

"Just because you won't be able to eat mushrooms…" Selene grinned, her teeth glittering in the electric light. "Besides, you chose the last disguises. Come on." She pulled up the portal, grabbed her Remote Activator, and stepped through.

Kaitlyn sighed. "Not much point taking a bag, is there?" she muttered. "All right - here goes nothing."

* * *

><p>The cobblestones were cool beneath her paws as Kaitlyn stepped out into a city that the narrative insisted on calling 'Roman'. She squirmed in the early morning sunlight, feeling her fur stand up all over her body, trying to shake off a strange, uncomfortable pressure. Then she lifted her muzzle and glared along it at the black-clad figure of her partner.<p>

"Don't give me that," Selene said, her voice sounding strangely flat to Kaitlyn's new ears. "_One_ of us needs to be able to speak, to read out the charges."

Kaitlyn muttered something unpleasant in her new wolfish voice, but all that came out was a low growl.

Selene got the point regardless. "Yes, yes," she said, "but you have to remember: since it's not yet full daylight, I can do _this_." She dropped down onto her hands and knees, and then her whole body seemed to blur, as if surrounded by a mist. Black leather became black fur, and in only a few moments a dark wolf stood in front of Kaitlyn, blinking in the sunlight.

"It always takes me a moment to get used to," Selene said, her message conveyed by a flick of one ear, a specific look, a tilt of her head, and only the very slightest whimper. She stretched, her fur bristling and flattening, and then met her partner's gaze. "So?"

"_So_," Kaitlyn growled, "I didn't want to be a wolf. How am I supposed to use a CAD? How are _you_ going to write a charge list?"

Selene shrugged, or at least that was the impression Kaitlyn got. "I've got a good memory," she said. "Did you _bring_ a CAD?"

"Well, no, but-"

"There we go then. Besides…" Selene flicked her tail towards the Words. "I don't think that'll be a problem here."

_It was 2000 year in the past in roman and there was a girl and her name was kelly mariena ceaser joenson and she was 19 years old. She had balck hair down to her wayst and a prefect face and wored a roman armor and sword and helmet maked of gold and sliver and it was cost alot of mooney._

"Dear sweet Nienna!" Kaitlyn yelped. "Is it _all_ like that?"

"I'm afraid so." Selene shook herself out. "Explains that annoying pressure, though - I think each chapter is a single block paragraph."

Kaitlyn scowled up at the Words. "So she's from 'roman'-" there was a small popping noise nearby, "-and her father is the 'ceaser', who has thousands of 'roman dollars'." The popping sounds continued. "Her mother is dead, or 'ded', and she wanted to go to war, but her father wouldn't let her. Is that about right?"

"No," said Selene, "it's all horribly wrong, but it's what she's telling us."

"Just as long as I've got that clear." Kaitlyn wrinkled her nose, sniffing. "Next question: why can I smell wolves?"

"Er…" Selene looked her up and down.

"_Other_ wolves."

"Oh." Selene turned slowly on the spot, her ears lying flat on her head. "Do you happen to know what the mini for Ancient Rome is?" she asked.

"No, I-" Selene wasn't listening. She darted across the square and lunged behind a pillar. A moment later, she emerged, with something dangling from her jaws. She padded across the cobbles and dropped it in front of Kaitlyn.

"Say hello to Kaitlyn, roman," she growled.

The wolf shook itself, glared at Selene, and then turned to Kaitlyn. "Greetings," it said in a rich, deep voice.

_She_ said, rather, Kaitlyn realised: though she was only about the size of a small dog, she had the scent of a full-grown wolf with pups of her own. Then there was that strange bronze sheen to her fur… Kaitlyn's paws twitched, and she abruptly reigned in her wolfish instincts: she had been about to start sniffing at the newcomer.

"She's a mini-Capitoline Wolf," Selene informed her, "named for the wolf who suckled Romulus and Remus - or rather, for a specific statue of her."

"I've seen it," Kaitlyn recalled. "I can see the resemblance." She squinted down at the miniature wolf. "And will you join our pack, little sister?" she asked.

roman flicked an ear at her. "'Our pack'," she repeated. "In this manner did our twin founders speak of one another - but history has proven their desires false, has it not? Two may not lead; one must follow."

Selene growled, low and threatening. "_Our_ pack," she repeated. "Join us, or face me."

"Or perhaps I am mistaken," roman mused. "It is well. I shall gather my sisters as they come; when you leave this town, we shall join you."

Kaitlyn shook her head as the miniature wolf scampered away. "Do you think all minis are like that?" she asked.

"Best not to think about it." Selene sighed - then yelped as the nearest house suddenly burst into flame. "Cacafeogos! What was that?"

"That. Uh." Kaitlyn took an incautious step backwards, and caught her own tail under her paw. "That was apparently Godzilla."

Selene looked up at the mountain-sized creature rampaging through the town. "Oh," she managed. "Should we run?"

"We've got a badfic to follow, remember?" Kaitlyn said. "Right now, Kelly - or 'Kells', which is apparently her nickname - is trying to rescue her father from the flames, though he's not actually in the house." She cocked her head, skimming the Words. "Apparently she knew this day would come."

"What, an attack on archaic Italy by a Japanese monster?"

"Yes." Kaitlyn shrugged. "The Roman army was too weak to stop him coming to their land. I'm translating that from the misspelled gibberish, of course."

"Of course," Selene agreed. "We should go inside so we can keep track of her."

"No need," Kaitlyn pointed out. "She's coming out into the stables any minute. I think they're round the back."

The two agents loped down a side alley, ducked under a wooden gate, and crouched behind a low wall. Moments later, the door from the house swung open, and they got their first look at their quarry.

"Well, I like her hair," Kaitlyn mused, "but that armour - eesh! Precious metals aren't much use for stopping swords."

"She does have a 'magik' sword," Selene said, "and… that.," she concluded, as Kelly rode out of the stables.

'That' was apparently Kelly's friend Elkus, '_a magic ghost deer like tha patornos deer from hary potter and the holy grail/golbet of fires. and also he could talk._' Kaitlyn felt her hackles rising as he trotted across the yard.

"Am I the only one who wants to chase him through the forests and bring him down?" she asked.

"Far from it," Selene replied in the same low tone. "Maybe when Kelly has been dealt with…" She shook herself from nose to tail, then rose and walked towards the gate. "Come on," she said, "we've got work to do. As soon as the chapter ends-"

_"I must find my farther but Godsilla is too powar for me and Elkus to fihgt BUT I WILL COME BACK!" she cryed loudlyt into the sunsite as the night began to fall._

"Right. We need to send Godzilla back to his continuum."

"Er," Kaitlyn said, "problem. We're not exactly equipped for, you know, using portal technology right now."

"Which is why I came in without a disguise. _Honestly_." Selene crouched down by the gate, and that strange dark mist coiled around her again. When it had dissipated, she got to her feet and stretched.

"That's better," she said in her flat human voice. Then she looked down at Kaitlyn and raised an eyebrow. The disguised agent's tongue was hanging out as she panted.

"Stop that," the vampire said, flapping a hand, then bent to collect up her clothes. "If I'd known you were going to ogle me, I'd've changed behind the wall." She pulled on her underwear, fiddled with her bra for a few moments, then shook her head and gathered everything into a bundle under one arm. "I'll dress while I go," she said vaguely. "Just… wait here, all right?"

Kaitlyn sat on her haunches, watching clouds of smoke rise into the clear blue sky. The roaring of Godzilla - and, presumably, of his mini, though Kaitlyn had no idea what form it would take - was a constant background, right up to the moment a wave of blue light swept over the mountain-sized creature. The silence after it vanished was eerie; Kaitlyn felt an urge to howl simply to fill it, but restrained herself.

A short while later, a large black wolf trotted into the yard and sat down, looking at her with eyes that were more red than yellow.

"Don't worry," Kaitlyn said eventually. "You're not my type."

"Good," Selene growled, and said nothing else.

Kaitlyn sighed. "Come on, Selene," she said. "You were suddenly, randomly naked. How could I _not_ look? Don't tell me you wouldn't do the same if it were a man."

"... maybe," Selene allowed, then shook herself. "All right, probably. But… all right."

"All right," Kaitlyn agreed. "Are we good?"

"We're good." Selene got to her feet and sniffed the cobbles. "She went this way?"

"It's going to be tricky to follow Elkus the Ghost Deer," Kaitlyn mused, standing and crossing to her partner's side. "Of course, we have an advantage - that badfic-induced pressure should wear off if we stray too far from her course. Reckon we can beat her to the next chapter?"

Selene tossed her head. "We're wolves," she said. "Count on it. Let's go."

As the pair loped out of the gate, Kaitlyn glanced sideways at her partner. "By the way… pink flowery underwear? I never would have guessed."

Selene glared at her. "And if you know what's good for you, you'll forget all about it."

"Maybe, maybe," Kaitlyn agreed, "or perhaps- no, no, all right, forgetting already."

"Good girl."

* * *

><p>The mini-Capitoline Wolf pack joined them as they passed through the city gates. roman seemed to have assumed the role of subordinate leader, keeping order among her siblings: ceaser, pilar, slawve, and the gleaming gold wolf called roman dollar. Together, the seven wolves loped across the countryside, their easy gait eating up the miles.<p>

"There's something very wrong with the geography here," Selene commented to Kaitlyn, expressing herself in a wrinkled nose and a confused-seeming twist of the head. "We should be still in Rome's hinterlands, but this feels more like Dalmatia or somewhere."

"Er." Kaitlyn twitched an ear. "A, how do you know so much about European geography? And b, what does that mean?"

"I didn't always live in HQ, you know," Selene growled. "What it means is that we have a major spatial-temporal compression taking place. I'm guessing it's so we can get to Transylvania in decent time - you did say they visited the Count's castle, right?"

"That's what the report said," Kaitlyn confirmed. "I'm guessing he didn't live too close to Rome."

"Not really." Selene glared around herself as if the landscape had personally offended her - which, in a way, it had. "Okay, here's the plan. We've already passed Kelly and Elkus-"

"Wait, we have?" Kaitlyn practically fell over herself trying to look behind them, and as she struggled for balance the pack came to a halt. "When?"

"A while back," Selene said with a wolfish shrug. "We're between chapters, so it didn't seem worth following them. Didn't you smell them?"

"I wasn't really paying attention," Kaitlyn admitted. "Okay, so… what now?"

"We find the next chapter," Selene said. "The report said there was a hut; we should recognise it by the compression. And then-"

"Sleep?" Kaitlyn suggested. "I actually haven't gone to bed since we were partnered, I could do with a rest."

"I've got a similar problem," Selene muttered, drawing an inquisitive look from Kaitlyn.

"I thought you'd been sleeping while I wrote up the reports?"

"I was," Selene replied. "It's not… look, it would take too long to explain. Yes, you can sleep. The pack and I will keep watch."

"We will not permit any harm to come to you," said roman seriously. "Though you are our leader, we see you as our daughter in many ways."

"Not sure whether to be offended or flattered," Kaitlyn muttered. "Okay, come on - let's find this hut so I can curl up."

* * *

><p>Kaitlyn was woken by a gentle nudge in her side, and twisted her head round to see one of the minis - slawve, she thought. "The prey is coming, mistress," the miniature wolf said quietly.<p>

"Thank you," Kaitlyn said, clambering to her feet. She slunk around the side of the hut, to where Selene was waiting, peering out at the path. "What news?"

"We've definitely ended up in Wallachia, ridiculous though that is," Selene told her. "I recognise it from- well, never mind. My feeling is that the geographical aberration should spring back without any intervention, so that at least is a relief."

"I was actually asking about the Suvian."

"Is she a Suvian?" Selene wondered. "I'd be more inclined to think her a troll. There's just too much wrong with this story for her to be doing it innocently."

Kaitlyn rolled her eyes and resisted the urge to howl. "Does it matter?" she asked. "Suvian or troll, we're going to kill her either way. Just tell me where she _is_."

"About five breaths away, according to roman." Selene nodded towards the bend in the track. "You should see her any time now."

_In the night Elkus and Kelly walked for mayny ours until they came to a small hut in the road it was maked off wood and sticks and there was a lite from the top of it._

Kaitlyn sat back on her haunches to look up at the hut. "So it's a wooden TARDIS?"

"It's a wooden TARDIS," Selene agreed. "Hush, she's coming."

"And she's going to hear my ears twitching?"

"Elkus can probably _smell_ them," Selene pointed out.

"Nah, he's a ghost. Ghosts can't smell. Practically a well-known fact."

"_knock nock hello is anyone their!"_

If Kelly had looked around the side of the hut, she would have been greeted by the sight of two large wolves rolling with silent laughter. "She _says_ 'knock, knock'," Kaitlyn blurted out. "Oh, this one's almost too funny to kill."

Selene tilted her head. "No. No it isn't."

The hut door opened, and the agents listened in silence as Kelly explained her plight to the old woman who lived there. When the two OCs went inside, Selene got to her feet and padded round to the door.

"They've left it just about open enough," she reported to Kaitlyn. "Not that there's anything to see… a small fire, is all."

"Aww, no console room?" Kaitlyn scratched absently at her ear. "So what are they doing? Somehow I doubt it's sleeping."

"You're right." Selene cocked her head, listening. "The old woman is a prophet or seeress or something - she can see the past, present, and future. She can tell Kelly where her father is, but she needs ingredients."

"More like a witch than a prophetess, then," Kaitlyn mused. "Cauldrons and potions and so on."

"They need an ogre's brain," Selene continued, "a bag of gold dust, a cup of-" Her ears flattened to her head, and a low growl rose in her throat.

"Okay, get back here," Kaitlyn snapped, rising and baring her teeth in a show of authority. Somewhat to her surprise - and Selene's - the vampire slunk back around the side of the hut. "Thank you," Kaitlyn said. "Now: what?"

"Blood," Selene said in a low rumbling growl. "She needs a cup of blood from the Mas- from Dracula's castle."

"Ah. I see." Kaitlyn stuck her muzzle around the corner and peered at the door: Kelly was re-emerging, carrying a map. "Is this going to be a problem for you? Because I can take the pack and leave you here."

"_No_," Selene barked, then flinched from the sound of her own voice. She scampered round the back of the hut, and Kaitlyn barely had time to follow her before Kelly rode past, looking around curiously.

"No," Selene said again, when the OCs had moved on. "It's not a problem. I can handle it."

Kaitlyn gave her a long look. "Good," she said. "We have a much bigger problem. Check the Words and see when she's getting to the next scene."

Selene peered up into a sky that had suddenly turned wintery. "After a few hours?"

"No," Kaitlyn corrected, "after few _ours_. And I've just said one. So the important question is: have either of us used an 'our' since the last chapter ended?"

"You just did," Selene pointed out. "A second one, I mean."

"Yavanna take it," Kaitlyn muttered. "This is as bad as the Knights Who Say Ni. So what do we do?"

"How many is 'few'?" Selene asked. "Because we need to ration our- oh, _flash panneys_."

"I think we need to catch her up," Kaitlyn said. "roman? Gather the pack and catch us up."

"As you request," the mini-Capitoline Wolf said, and darted off into the trees as the two agents set off.

Elkus wasn't moving all that fast - a canter, not a gallop - so it took only a few minutes for the agents to catch their quarry up. The mountains, which had seemed so distant, now loomed overhead, massive and snow-capped.

"Looks like we're just in time," Kaitlyn muttered to her partner. "If we hadn't watched our language-"

_After few ours they had maked to the bootom of the mountains it was very windy and snow blwed into thire faces hard._

"... do you think wolves can facepalm?"

"I'm sure we'd all be fascinated if you found out," Selene chuckled, ignoring Kelly as she shouted about how she had to find her father. The OCs headed into the snow-covered forest, and the agents followed.

They were greeted almost immediately by the sound of howling, and Selene grinned. "Listen to them, the children of the night," she murmured. "What music they make!"

"Is that the pack?" Kaitlyn wondered, then wrinkled her nose. "No, I smell something else…"

"You don't need to smell." Selene nodded at a point just out of their quarry's path. "See his paws?"

Sure enough, a white wolf was crouched amid the trees, only his paws sticking out into the wintery light. "Does he think he's hidden?" Kaitlyn wondered.

Selene glanced at the Words. "I think Kelly intended to see paw tracks, but instead she just saw paws. Hence…"

_"Oh not it is the paws of snow wolfves!"_

"Aaaaand fight scene!"

The fight was not as dramatic as its subject clearly thought it was. Kelly was jumped by four wolves, managing to hit one in the back and stain the snow 'blod red coler'. Elkus headbutted one wolf, but didn't injure it. Kelly managed to get herself knocked down by a wolf, who began to claw at her.

"I wish that was me," Kaitlyn muttered, then shrugged at Selene's skeptical head-tilt. "Because of the murdering, not the fact that she's female. _Honestly_, Selene."

Out of nowhere, a crossbow bolt hit the wolf, causing it to instantly collapse on top of Kelly. "All right, maybe not," Kaitlyn allowed.

_"good they are all dead" said a cold voice_

"... no, they're not," Selene pointed out. "They're all hanging around in the treeline. Only two of them are dead."

"What, you doubt the word of, ah, 'Drakcola of Draocklas Castle'?"

"Always," Selene growled. "But actually, that makes sense - he has power over wolves. So he presumably orchestrated this attack solely to get Kelly into his debt."

Kaitlyn studied Dracula. "Under her influence, I'm not sure he could come up with that sort of plan."

"Maybe you're right," Selene allowed as Dracula led Kelly and Elkus away. "All right," she barked once she was sure they were out of earshot, "you can come out now."

The remaining snow wolves - there were a full half dozen of them - slunk forward, and behind them came another six wolves. These ones were jet black, with eyes that seemed to glow with an unholy fire - and were barely larger than chihuahuas.

"Minis," Kaitlyn realised, feeling her pack of Roman minis tense behind her. "But not like ours…"

"I am Darkula," growled one of the newcomers. "I speak for the pack."

"No," Selene said, her fur standing on end, "you really don't. You will join us."

The mini hesitated, his ears and tail quivering, and Kaitlyn glanced at her partner. Sure enough, Selene's eyes were glowing a fierce red, and her fangs seemed to be growing even longer.

"We will join you," Darkula said eventually. "Brothers! We join our pack with the Mistress'!"

As first the minis, and then the snow wolves, flowed across the snow-covered ground, Selene glanced behind her. Her gaze met roman's. "Will this be a problem?" she asked, her tone mild.

roman grinned a wolfish grin. "My sisters and I were wrought from metal," she pointed out. "Let these newcomers try to harry me, and they will taste the fury of Imperial Rome."

"Excellent." Selene nodded her respect, and turned to meet Kaitlyn's gaze at last. "Mini-Children of the Night," she said. "We should have seen it coming, really."

"That was… impressive," Kaitlyn said. "So you have all the powers Dracula has?"

"Most of them." Selene shrugged. "I never got the hang of the bat thing, though."

"Or the clothes thing."

"Will you shut _up_ about the clothes thing?"

There was a flash of lightning, and a rumble of thunder that provoked yelps from some of the pack. Selene turned her head, seeking the source - and the Words. "Dracula used 'magick vanpire powars' to light his fire," she read. "Since we don't have the ability to create fire - more's the pity - but we _do_ have weather control…"

"Nice adaptation on the world's part," Kaitlyn agreed. "So should we head over?"

Selene was still reading the Words. "Yes," she said, "and quickly. Dracula is already giving his speech."

The sound of Dracula's words drifted towards them as they approached. He was explaining how he came to be driven from his castle: some book had led the other vampires to declare that humans were their friends, and then they '_got all sparky they were not proper vampires anymore_'. "'Sparky'?" Kaitlyn wondered as the pack reached the edge of the camp. "Do you think he means-?"

_"I was come here for a cup of blod from the castel for safe my farther maybe we cold go together I coud help get rid of this horribel Edword!" menbtioned kelly_

With a pop, something about the size of a rat appeared in front of the agents. It was brown, vaguely canine - and sparkled in the firelight. Selene's eyes widened as the mini turned on the spot, then looked up at her.

"I say," it began, its barks squeaky and strangely lethargic, "do you suppose I-"

One of the mini-Children darted forward, growling low, and grabbed the new mini by the scruff of the neck. He seemed primed to shake it, perhaps killing it, but a mini-Capitoline Wolf gave a warning growl. "Drop the pup," ceaser rumbled.

"This is no true wolf," the black mini growled back, his voice muffled. "And its spawner was no true vampire."

"Both of you," Selene snapped, stepping between them, "stop it. Put Edword down."

"Edword," Kaitlyn repeated as the mini-Child of the Night grudgingly obeyed. "As in Edward Cullen?"

"Precisely," Selene confirmed. "What we have here is a mini-Sparklewolf. And he's not the only one," she added in a raised tone. "Show yourselves - and you, Darcula and Dracola."

Four diminutive wolves slunk out of the trees, two of them sparkling. Selene cast a quick look at the OCs and Dracula - they were already preparing to depart again - then beckoned the new minis forward. "You are part of my pack," she said firmly, "all of you. You will not fight among yourselves, understood? A mini's origins are not her doing; nor do they impact her character."

The minis joined the growing pack, and one of the snow wolves looked at another. "Such a strange pack we have fallen in with," she said, her tone airy.

"Truly," the second agreed. "One wonders where it will take us."

"Right now," Selene interrupted, "it will take you to Dracula's castle. Come." And she bounded off with the pack at her heels, leaving Kaitlyn standing in the snow.

"I'm starting to feel like a bit of a third wheel," Kaitlyn announced to the world at large. Then she chuckled. "Or maybe a twenty-fourth wheel. Oh, well - off we go."

* * *

><p>Castle Dracula was some distance away - or it was supposed to be. When Kaitlyn caught up with the pack, she cut through the distance with another 'few ours'.<p>

"Oh, come off it," Selene sighed. "That's not Dracula's castle. He has more taste than that… horror movie monstrosity."

Kaitlyn looked up at the imposing castle, festooned with gargoyles, randomly placed ironwork, and skulls scattered on the windowledges. "Maybe Edward redecorated?" she suggested.

"Or maybe Kelly is warping the entire world to fit her bizarre ideas," Selene countered. "Come on - if they shut the door behind them, I'll have to change to open it, and it's cold out here."

The pack cascaded into the castle courtyard just in time to see Dracula - already being watched by two extra mini-Children - unlock the front door and step into what the story described as a 'castel front room'. The agents put on a burst of speed, straining to reach the door before it closed-

-which turned out to be a complete waste of time, since Dracula didn't bother to shut it before leading the party up the stairs. Kaitlyn reached the door first, and hesitated. "Do I need to get someone to invite you in?" she asked her partner.

"You could do it yourself," Selene told her, "but it's not necessary. I've already - well, never mind. Come on." With that, the wolves swept inside, the three extra minis (Dracokla having appeared after Kelly had stepped inside) joining them as they did so, and clambered up the staircase to the throne room.

Even allowing for their low-to-the-ground perspective, it was a big room, but somehow vague and undefined. The only truly solid object was the throne - a gigantic work of gleaming bone, dripping with blood. "Ta-cky," Kaitlyn signalled, careful to keep all communication to movement, not sound.

Kelly, Elkus - though how he had climbed the stairs was a mystery - and Dracula were confronting Edward Cullen, who was not seated on the throne so much as draped across it. _"we can degeat you edward you arent even a real vanpire!"_ declared Kelly.

Selene tensed. "Read the Words!" she yelped at Kaitlyn, not bothering with silence, and Kaitlyn frowned up at the ceiling. As usual, the next couple of lines were just coming into focus: Edward was about to cast a spell using his copy of _Twilight_, and summon…

"The spirit of Stephenie Meyer?" Kaitlyn exclaimed. "Selene, I don't have training in Real Person Fic! How do we handle this?"

"We avoid it," Selene growled, as Edward threw his book onto a blood-covered altar and began to chant. "Get ready to move."

"Move _where_?" Kaitlyn demanded, but Selene was already gone - sprinting out into the centre of the throne room. She barrelled past Dracula and the OCs, leapt over the altar just as the copy of _Twilight_ began to rise up into the air, and cannoned into Edward. The _Twilight_ vampire fell back under the force of her impact, crashing to the floor - and then Selene stood up, transforming as she went.

"Kelly Mariena Ceaser Joenson," she announced, pointing a finger at the girl. The vampire's hair seemed to move of its own accord, swirling around her like a dark mist as if trying to compensate for the clothes that were now scattered around the unconscious Edward. "By my authority as an agent of the PPC," Selene went on, "I charge you with flagrant violation of every canon you have come into contact with, including the nature of Ancient Rome. For these uncountable crimes, for your massacring of European geography, for your utter disregard for the rules of spelling and grammar, and for the utter host of minis you have created, I sentence both you and your ridiculous ghostly companion to death." She paused and grinned, showing her extremely sharp teeth. "Do you have any last words."

There was silence in the throne room, and then Kelly said, "hello why arr you nacked"

"Why does _everyone_ always focus on that?" Selene despaired. She raised her arms over her head, and her eyes flared red.

Kelly realised something was up, and lifted her magic sword - which turned out to be exactly the wrong move. A blazing bolt of lightning crashed through the ceiling and struck the tip of the sword, lancing through Kelly's body before she even knew what hit her. She crumpled to the floor, her skin blackened and burned.

There was a clatter of hooves as Elkus turned on the spot and made a dash for the door. "roman!" Kaitlyn snarled, whirling to face the mini-Capitoline Wolf. "Bring him down! Don't let him get away!"

"Gladly," the mini barked, then threw back her head and howled. "We hunt!" she bellowed, and the pack gave chase.

Kaitlyn moved quickly across the throne room, leaving the minis to their hunt. She sniffed the prone form of Edward Cullen, then wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Sparkles and glitter," she muttered. Carefully, she began to gather up Selene's clothes - throwing the larger items over her back, holding the smaller in her teeth.

"Leave that, my dear," said a deep, pleasant voice, and Kaitlyn turned away from the clothes. She had most of them, anyway, there was no point continuing. Instead, she padded around the altar and gazed upon her Master. The Count had drawn himself up, ignoring the corpse of Kelly at his side, and was gazing at Kaitlyn.

"You are a beauty, aren't you?" he murmured, and Kaitlyn agreed with him implicitly. Her tongue hanging out, she paced across the floor to his-

"Kaitlyn, _freeze_." Kaitlyn stood stock still, not even wanting to turn her head to see the woman who spoke. "He isn't your master," Selene said, and she was right, of course - how could Kaitlyn ever have thought Dracula was her lord, when she was clearly Selene's alone?

"Oh, but I am," Dracula said, correctly as always, and then his gaze drifted away from Kaitlyn, though she longed for his continued regard. "And I am yours, too, am I not, lady?"

"You," Selene said, and Kaitlyn could hear the strain in her voice. "You are…"

"It has been many years since I chanced upon you beside the Black Sea's shore," Dracula mused, "and you have grown fairer, as I knew you would." The Count strode across the room and stopped before the throne. He ran a finger over the bone-wrought armrest and shook his head, distaste evident on his features. Kaitlyn whined, wishing she could comfort him, but Dracula didn't even look at her.

"Come to me, my dear," he said instead, his gaze fixed on Selene. "Come to me, as you did that night long ago."

Now that Kaitlyn knew her true master, Selene's command had no purchase on her. She glanced between the two vampires, eager to see the outcome of their confrontation - eager to see her Master reclaim his own.

Selene, naked and trembling, took a single step forward, then another - and then stopped. She drew a deep breath, reached up to brush her hair back from her face, and ran her fingers down the brasswork of the Key.

"You," she said with great effort, "are not my master. And you are not hers." She lifted her hand and pointed at Kaitlyn - and that was when Kaitlyn saw the two metallic devices clutched in her partner's fist.

"This would be a lot easier if I had my sunglasses," Selene muttered. Then, in a single motion, she swept her free hand across to pluck the neuralyzer from her fist. She squeezed her eyes shut, holding the device high, and squeezed with both hands.

The red flash of the neuralyzer was swept away by blue light, as the portal opened around Kaitlyn and sent her back to HQ.

* * *

><p>Kaitlyn was standing by the console, arms folded, when Selene stepped through. As the pack flowed into RC #7219 around them, the two agents exchanged looks: Kaitlyn's a glare, Selene's undeniably sheepish.<p>

"I took Edward back to _Twilight_," the vampire said. "Dracula stayed where he was - he doesn't remember any of it."

Kaitlyn stayed silent.

Selene coughed. "I'm sorry about commanding you," she said. "I didn't realise his powers over wolves would extend to you."

Kaitlyn stayed silent.

"I, uh." The vampire cleared her throat. "There shouldn't be any lingering effects, if you're worried about that."

"Did I not say," Kaitlyn responded at last, "that wolf disguises were a bad idea?"

"You did," Selene agreed in a subdued tone. Then she shook her head. "_But_. You didn't know about Dracula's powers when you said that. So you were still wrong."

Kaitlyn held her gaze for a long moment, then shook her head, snorted in amusement, and threw the bundle of clothes to her partner. "Get dressed, already," she said. "You're too distracting this way."

"I thought you said you weren't going to ogle me any more," Selene said, sorting through the bundle.

"And I'm trying not to," Kaitlyn countered. "But you've just proved it, haven't you? _Anyone_ would stare if you suddenly showed up naked."

"Shut up."

"So it absolutely wasn't my fault."

"Shut. Up."

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. _The Lord of the Rings_ belongs to Tolkien, and the movie version to Jackson. _Twilight_ belongs to Stephenie Meyer. _Dracula_ belongs to Bram Stoker. _Godzilla_ belongs to Ishirō Honda. _Kelly The Roman Warrior_ belongs to KingAurthr2, and is quoted, paraphrased and dissected here for the purposes of parody and humour; no claim of ownership is made by SturmAndSquee or any other members of the PPC.

**SturmAndSquee's Author's Note:** So, uh, apparently the pack, and Selene, pretty much took that mission over. What can I say? The combination of wolves as the ideal disguise, three different wolf-minis (mini-Sparklewolves already existed, for the record), and _Dracula_, in a Selene story... yeah, there was a lot to play with. I'm afraid the badfic was rather ignored for large chunks, but frankly, I'm about 95% sure it's a troll anyway. Not that it matters to our intrepid agents.

And just for fun, the pack consists of:

Selene and Kaitlyn - PPC agents

roman, ceaser, pilar, slawve, roman dollar - mini-Capitoline Wolves

Six unnamed snow wolves

Drackula, Draockla, Drakcola, dracikula, Darkula, dracukla, Darcula, Dracola, Drakcula, Dracokla, crackula - mini-Children of the Night

Edword, Edawrd Cullein, Twlight - mini-Sparklewolves

**Agent Kaitlyn's Constructive Criticism**

Before I start: I'm aware that you're almost certainly trolling with this fic. But in case I'm wrong, and in case anyone else reads this concrit and takes any advice from it - and, hey, in case you decide to make _Kelly The Roman Warrior_ into a real story sometime - I'll write this up anyway.

You had some good ideas in here, you really did. Giant monsters attacking Ancient Rome. Dracula and Edward Cullen facing off against each other. A Roman warrior meeting Dracula. But I'm afraid they were deeply hidden by the issues you have with spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Paragraphing, in particular, is non-existent - as a rule, you should start a new paragraph for every new speaker - and your lack of attention to the spelling of names draws attention away from your story.

While the idea of Edward Cullen as a psychopathic villain was entertaining, and can be justified on those grounds, your portrayal of Dracula leaves much to be desired. The character is almost always depicted as both charming and alarmingly competent; unless you planned to have the whole story be a plot of his, the way you present him simply doesn't work. He has some good moments - his cold anger when we first meet him, with the crossbow - but the majority is just plain wrong.

Ultimately, there were far too many flaws in this story for it to be particularly readable. Nevertheless, there is the kernel of an interesting tale or two hidden in there. With some (okay, a lot) more work on your writing skills, you could definitely be onto something.


	5. Opposite Reaction Same Result

Selene pushed the door closed behind her and shook her head wryly. "The pack utterly refused to live at the Mini Adoption Centre," she said. "I honestly thought Darkula was going to maul Henton if I didn't drag him out of there."

Kaitlyn shuffled out of the bedroom, yawning. "But you didn't bring them back," she observed.

Selene shrugged. "I dropped them off in the Miss Cam Courtyard," she said. "I swear that place gets bigger every time I visit."

"I heard some agents from Building Maintenance led an expedition to the rear wall," Kaitlyn supplied. "I don't think they've come back yet. - hang on, you left a pack of wolves in the _Courtyard_? With Alice's herd?"

"Alice is a telepathic Queen of Horses," Selene said dismissively, "I'm sure she and roman can sort something out."

"Assuming roman can keep ceaser under control," Kaitlyn countered. "That girl is far too big for her nonexistent boots."

Selene chuckled. "Don't worry, roman knows how to handle her. Do you think we've got time to get a bite to ea-"

_[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]_

Kaitlyn lunged across the room and slapped the red button. "You know better than to ask something like that," she chided her partner.

"-shooling nugging-house strumpets-" Selene muttered, stalking over to the console. "This is _really_ bad timing."

"Oh, that's right, you didn't get to sleep this time, did you?"

Selene waved a hand vaguely, bending over to look at the screen. "It's not the sleep I'm worried about," she said. "It's the- okay, what is this?"

Kaitlyn glanced over the report. "Hobbits," she said firmly.

Selene frowned at her. "No, it's not," she pointed out. "I don't know what _The Parent Trap_ is, but I know it's _not_ Middle-earth."

"No, it's a film about separated twin sisters who find each other and end up reuniting their parents." Kaitlyn gazed off into the middle distance for a moment. "I used to love that movie… anyway, nevertheless: hobbits."

Selene scrolled through the report, grimacing. "So it's a fantasy setting?"

"No, modern Earth."

"Then why exactly do you want to go in as hobbits?"

Kaitlyn threw her arms wide. "Why _wouldn't_ I?" she asked. "I mean, they're so cute and cuddly, with their fuzzy feet and chubby… er… chubbiness, and you wouldn't believe the effect mushrooms have on-"

"And they're entirely inappropriate to the setting," Selene cut her off.

"Well, a little," Kaitlyn admitted. "But we could pretend to be kids; the whole thing takes place at a summer camp."

"But Ceepileet says there's issues with the adults, too." Selene scrolled back to the top. "Camp, you say… do they have chaperones, or whatever you call them?"

"Counsellors," Kaitlyn provided. "And yes, and yes, that's a good idea, but nowhere near as fun."

"We're not here to have fun," Selene said, inputting the disguise. "We're here to do the job."

"Spoilsport." Kaitlyn darted back into the bedroom and returned moments later with a DVD. She stuffed it into her pack, slung the whole lot over her shoulder, and bounced impatiently on her toes. "Come on, come on, I can't wait to see the girls again."

"'Used to' love?" Selene murmured. She keyed open the portal; Kaitlyn leapt through before it even finished opening.

* * *

><p><em>"Don't you see it?" Annie questioned.<em>

_"See what?" Hallie Asked._

_"The resemblance between us."_

The portal opened behind a hay bale, providing the agents with perfect cover. "So what's going on?" Selene asked. "Other than linguistic mutilation, with the 'questioned' and the 'capital-Asked'."

"They're twins, this is the first time they've seen each other again, and they've just had a fencing match," Kaitlyn supplied. "This dialogue is straight from the film, actually; maybe it won't be too bad."

"And you tell _me_ off for tempting the Ironic Overpower?" Selene muttered. "So…" She tilted her head, listening. "The insults are canon, too?"

"Mm… yep," Kaitlyn agreed, and started mouthing along. "'...your teeth are crooked and that nose... well, don't worry, those things can be fixed.'"

"Hmm." Selene glanced down at her notebook. "This Hallie character's not very nice, is she?"

"She grows on you," Kaitlyn said, shrugging. "And on Annie, which is rather-"

_"Plus I never cry and I mean never because I am not weak."_

"-that's not right." Kaitlyn twisted round and peeked over the bale to see Annie burst into tears, turn, and run away into the woods. "That's not _right_," she said again. "Annie doesn't- they're _twins_, for Vana's sake, she can give as good as she gets! Only with more class, obviously."

"'Maybe it won't be too bad,'" Selene muttered, in a terrible imitation of Kaitlyn's voice. "You had to say it."

Kaitlyn's eyes narrowed as she examined the Words. "A counsellor goes after her," she said. "I'm a counsellor. You mind the fort, okay?"

"I don't know the canon," Selene pointed out, but Kaitlyn was already on her feet. "Wait, don't leave me here by-"

Kaitlyn wasn't listening. She hurried across the field to where a uniformed woman was just heading after Annie. "I'll get her, don't worry," she said, grabbing the woman's shoulder and halting her.

"No," the woman protested weakly, "it's my job." But being a generic, unnamed character doesn't imbue you with a great deal of willpower, and in the absence of specific directions from the story, the nameless counsellor didn't have a chance.

Kaitlyn finally found Annie down by the lake. The girl was hunched up under a tree, glaring out at the still water.

"Hey, there, sweetie," the agent said, crouching down next to her. "Want to talk about it?"

"Not particularly," Annie said, and sniffed. "Frankly, I don't understand it myself, so I'm not sure I _could_ 'talk about it'."

"Don't understand it?" Kaitlyn asked gently. "It looks to me like you just had a bit of a shock, sweetie. It's only natural to be a bit upset."

"That's rather my point," Annie said, still not making eye contact. "I fell apart - and I simply don't _do_ that. What did that girl do to me?"

"Um." Kaitlyn patted Annie's shoulder gently, trying to work her way through the tangled issue of canon. After all, Hallie had performed _precisely_ as in canon, up until her last line - a line which she shouldn't have had time to say, because one of Annie's friends ought to have chimed in. The twin most OOC right now was _Annie_ - but somehow, she thought that wouldn't be a wise thing to say.

She suddenly realised that Annie had turned to look up at her, presumably prompted by the long silence. "You know, sweetie," Kaitlyn said hurriedly, "sometimes we all have off-days, particularly when we're in an unfamiliar place. The important thing is to move past them."

Annie thought about this for a moment, then nodded slightly. "I suppose I understand," she said, and rubbed her eyes. "I also suppose I should go back - isn't that why you're here? To take me back?"

"That's up to you," Kaitlyn assured her. "What do you want to do?"

"I want…" Annie shrugged. "I want…" Then, abruptly, her face and voice went utterly flat. "I want to go back to England," she said - or rather, Kaitlyn realised, the story said through her. The girl's head turned like clockwork, her gaze returning to the lake, and tears began to fall down her cheeks with precise regularity.

"Oh." Kaitlyn grimaced, got to her feet, and glanced down at the canon character. "Right. I'll… I guess I'll leave you to it, then." She turned, bit her lip, and then glanced back over her shoulder. "Good luck," she added, and walked quickly away.

She found Selene right about where she'd left her, perched on the stack of hay bales looking gloomily up at the sky. "Bad, huh?" she asked.

"Hmm?" The vampire dragged her attention back to ground level. "Oh. Not particularly. I mean… well." She waved her notebook at Kaitlyn. "They called the girls' parents to come and deal with them. Is it me, or is that rather an overreaction to 'mild insults lead to tears'?"

Kaitlyn's eyes narrowed. "It's more than an overreaction," she said, "it's downright ridiculous. Hallie's dad lives in California, which is a long way from Maine - and Annie's mother's in _London_, for Yavanna's sake. Is she supposed to just drop everything and hop on a plane?"

"Apparently she's already booked the flight," Selene said, nodding up at the Words. "She'll be arriving tomorrow afternoon."

"Tomorrow aft- there's some serious timeline slippage going on here," Kaitlyn said. "It says it's midnight in London, which means it's, uh…" She counted on her fingers. "About seven in the evening here. Elizabeth needs to book a ticket - okay, that could be done over the phone. Then she needs to get to the airport, let's call it an hour. International flights require check-in three hours in advance. So by the time she takes off…" She flapped her hand dismissively. "Too many details to keep track of, but I really don't think getting here that quickly is physically possible. Maybe we should call for help from Temporal Offenses."

"No need," Selene said. "We're Floaters, remember? We can handle _anything_."

"Or at least we're supposed to be able to," Kaitlyn muttered. "Okay, for now… shall we find somewhere to sleep?"

Selene blinked. "Weren't you asleep right before we got this mission?".

"Well, sure," Kaitlyn said with a shrug. "But I don't know whether I'll get any _next_ time, so it's best to stock up."

Selene glanced at the sky again. "I think I'd prefer to skip to the end," she said. "I'm really quite hun-"

"Nope, I don't think so," Kaitlyn cut her off. "I've just realised - the isolation cabin the girls get sent to is free in this fic, and I'm _not_ going to miss out on a chance to sleep there." She turned to Selene and widened her eyes. "_Please_, Selene? This movie is my childhood - it would mean so much to me…"

"... all right." The vampire hopped down from her perch, then turned and levelled a finger at Kaitlyn. "But only if you _stop_ doing the puppy eyes. It's seriously creepy."

"Got the job done, didn't it?" Kaitlyn glanced around, then headed off purposefully into the trees. "Come along, partner, it's this way."

* * *

><p>Kaitlyn awoke slowly, opening one eye to see the moon shining in at the window. The camp bed was hardly the most comfortable in the multiverse - but it still beat her bed in RC #7219. Stretching, she rolled over and looked across the darkened cabin towards the empty bed where Selene had been lying.<p>

The significance of that took a moment to filter through. Then Kaitlyn sat bolt upright. Yes, she decided, peering through the gloom, the bed was definitely empty. And when a vampire goes missing in the middle of the night… "'A bite to eat,'" Kaitlyn muttered. "Yeah, right." She clambered out of bed, slipped her shoes on, and stumbled out into the night.

The air was warm, the sky clear, and the stars bright, but nevertheless there was a hint of mist on the ground. It seemed to drift between the trees, a vaporous river wending its way towards the muted lights of Camp Walden proper. Muttering to herself, Kaitlyn skirted the remarkably cohesive fog bank and headed for the main building.

The doors weren't even locked. Kaitlyn shook her head. "I see what people mean about all the potential lawsuits in this place," she murmured, and slipped into the kitchen.

A few minutes later she emerged. The mist had gathered thickly around the cabins now, and Kaitlyn's eyes were hard as she stalked across the grass. One building in particular seemed to be completely shrouded in whiteness, and as she approached Kaitlyn felt strangely drawn to it. With some effort, she stopped on the edge of the fog, reached into her pocket, and threw a handful of what she found there into the cloud.

The effect was immediate. A shrill scream pierced the air, the mist fell to the ground as a sudden dew, and Selene coalesced out of nothing and crumpled on the floor.

"Garlic granules," Kaitlyn said, folding her arms and glaring at her partner. "Good to know that works."

Selene was still curled up on the floor, whimpering, so Kaitlyn sighed and knelt down beside her. "There's hardly any of it on you," she said, examining her partner. "It… okay, here." She brushed a few grains of garlic off Selene's hair and clothes. "See?"

The vampire slowly uncurled and managed to fix Kaitlyn with a wobbly glare. "That," she gasped, "_really_ hurt."

"You deserved it," Kaitlyn said flatly. "What were you _thinking_, Selene? That you could just suck their blood and no-one would care?"

"Oh." Selene pulled herself up to a sitting position. "I didn't think you'd know."

Kaitlyn gritted her teeth. "And that makes it all right, does it?"

"I don't…" Selene grimaced. "_Really_ hurt," she said again. "You didn't have to throw it _through_ me, you know, bringing it close would have-"

"Don't change the subject."

Sighing, Selene waved one hand vaguely. "They're just bit parts," she said. "They were probably generated just for this fic."

"What, and you're the expert on _The Parent Trap_ now?" Kaitlyn gestured around them. "Hallie and Annie have _friends_, you know. Friends with _names_. And even if you managed to avoid those… Selene, they're little girls! They're, like, eleven! How _could_ you?"

Selene straightened abruptly. "You think- no, Kaitlyn! This hut is where the _counsellors_ sleep, not the children. How could you think I-?"

"What _else_ was I meant to think?" Kaitlyn demanded. "You vanish in the middle of the night, you turn into mist and start trying to lure people out for your dinner - it's classic vampire behaviour! Why should you balk at attacking little kids?"

Selene opened her mouth to reply, her teeth gleaming a cold white in the moonlight, then hesitated. After a moment, she closed her eyes and said, "Kaitlyn, I'm a _vampire_. I drink blood. I don't have a choice about that; it's the only food I actually get any energy from. But that doesn't make me evil."

Kaitlyn bit back her own first response. "I haven't seen you do it," she said instead. "I mean, since we were partnered."

"That's because I haven't," Selene told her. "I've not eaten since you showed up." She waved a hand, gesturing at the forest around them. "All this - using my powers - it takes a lot of energy. I'm _starving_. And the wretched Flowers just keep sending us out with no time for me to eat."

Kaitlyn tensed, but Selene showed no sign of leaping on her in a bloodthirsty rage. "So what do we do?" she asked, then held up a hand. "Options do _not_ include draining a camp counsellor dry."

"I wouldn't leave her _empty_," Selene said. "But, honestly, I don't like to take from _people_ anyway. I usually subsist on steaks."

"Stakes?" Kaitlyn repeated. "Surely that's-"

"The meat variety," Selene cut in, "as well you know."

"Yeah, but it made you smile." Kaitlyn sighed and got to her feet. "So, here's the plan: we finish the mission, then get you home as soon as possible. I'll take a tablet computer and write this mission up in the cafeteria - that way we won't even be shirking our duty."

"Sounds good to me," Selene said, standing. "And… thank you."

"It's fine," Kaitlyn said. "But, please, next time you're ravenous - _don't_ go attacking bit parts. It's a terrible plan."

"I'll remember that," Selene said solemnly. "All right - on to the next scene?"

"Better go back to the cabin first," Kaitlyn said. "I think I'm wearing my shoes inside out."

"What?"

"Exactly."

* * *

><p>The portal opened on daylight, and an office draped with white fabric and embroidery. A blonde woman sat at a desk, staring blankly at the wall. Kaitlyn frowned and peered out of the window. "We're definitely still in the camp, but this is much more like somewhere Elizabeth would work."<p>

"Mm." Selene, her arms folded, leant against the wall as if she were hoping to sink into it.

Kaitlyn peered up at the Words. "Oh, I see," she said. "Apparently, 'Elizabeth James was sitting in her office waiting for Marva and the other girl's parents'."

"Mm."

"And since her office isn't…" Kaitlyn trailed off, and as the door opened, turned to shoot a Look at her partner. "Stop that," she said.

"Stop what?"

"Sulking." Kaitlyn gestured at the two canon characters, Hallie and Annie's divorced parents, who were attempting an emotional reunion. "We have a _job_ to do, remember? These people need our help. Otherwise their story will be utterly ruined, whatever the title claims."

Selene scowled at her. "Did I mention the part where I'm starving?"

"Did I mention the part where so what?" Kaitlyn shot back, ignoring the arrival of the camp owner, Marva. "Are you literally on the verge of death, or re-death, or whatever?"

"Well, no, but-"

"Then you can wait ten minutes until we've finished the mission. Now for the love of Vana, _cheer up_."

Selene sighed, closed her eyes for a moment, and then stood straight. "All right," she said, her voice soft. She reached into her pack and retrieved her notepad. "These two are the girls' parents?"

Kaitlyn looked at Elizabeth and Nick. With the arrival of Marva, their 'reunion' had turned into an argument, with each claiming that the child the other had raised was at fault. "That's them, all right," she confirmed. "Lucky twins, huh?"

"Are they usually this angry at each other?" Selene asked. "Because this looks like a charge to me."

"Ehhh." Kaitlyn considered. "Honestly, they're pretty bad. I think this is moderately in-character. Unlike the girls - seriously, it's like they sat down and traded around bits of their personalities. They're _supposed_ to be pretty close to identical - just raised differently."

Selene nodded. "And instead, Hayley-"

"Hallie," Kaitlyn provided. "I know, right?"

"- she got all the nastiness ramped up to eleven, and Annie has less backbone than an octopus."

Kaitlyn chuckled, then her eyes narrowed abruptly. "You know… you might be onto something," she said.

"Er?"

"Neither being mean nor being upset by it is exactly OOC for the girls," Kaitlyn explained. "It's just - well, like you said: like their personalities got combined and then split along good/bad lines. So I'm thinking: can we do something about that?"

"And I'm thinking no," Selene said, as the parents' argument reached its height, "but I'm sure you're going to tell me I'm wrong."

"Maybe," Kaitlyn agreed. "See what you think of this…"

* * *

><p>The five of them waited outside the door: one worried camp owner, two worried and angry parents, and two worried and annoyed PPC agents. The conversation the twins were having was clearly audible through the thin wood.<p>

"That line is from earlier!" Kaitlyn hissed. "The whole 'I know how to fence and you don't' thing - Annie's supposed to say that at the _beginning_ of this fic." She clenched her fist, gripping the mirror that she'd retrieved from one of the bathrooms. "Making her have to think to come up with it - that's a charge."

"Got it," Selene muttered. "And I'm going to guess _this_ little speech is, too?"

Hallie's voice drifted through the air: _"Oh and another things I am sure that I could at least get a boyfriend. You on the other hand will have to become the local whore in order to get anything from a guy. Heck who knows you probably would enjoy that anyway. Then again you might prefer girls to boys. I mean I have seen how you look at some girls in the shower house. Does your mother know your Bi or are you just Lesbian."_

Kaitlyn rolled her eyes. "Don't be silly, sweetie," she said, "Annie's from London, not Lesbos. European geography isn't _that_ hard."

"I'm impressed," Selene said. "I expected you to be angry about her using 'lesbian' as an insult."

Kaitlyn turned and glared at her partner. "Oh, believe me, I am."

"Ah." Selene glanced at the Words one last time. "Still think she's not fully possessed?"

Kaitlyn gritted her teeth. "Much as I would _dearly love_ to kill something for that… that atrocious display of sexism and homophobia, I still think our plan is the best option."

"'Our' plan?"

"Just follow my lead," Kaitlyn said. "Remember - keep them off-balance. If they have time to think about it, this will all fall apart."

Nick and Elizabeth threw the door open, hard enough to make the girls jump. Nick drew breath to scream at Hallie, and _that_ was when Kaitlyn leapt in.

"I'm so glad we're all here!" she exclaimed, and beamed as the canons' heads snapped round to face her. "The reconciliation process will go _much_ better if these dear girls have their parents to support them!"

"Recon-?" The two parents spoke together, then stopped and glared at each other.

"That's right!" Kaitlyn kept her voice as effusive as possible as she strode into the room and started shaking hands with anyone she could reach. "Professor Windflower here is from Harvard, and she's come to demonstrate a remarkable new technique invented by actual scientists!"

Marva's brow furrowed as she looked at Selene. "Then why's she wearing-?"

"Little accident down by the lake, nothing to worry about," Kaitlyn said, and started waving the group towards the door. "Come along, come along - the method works best when performed in the location the conflict first began. Out to the fencing ground!"

As they made their way to the lawn, Kaitlyn kept up a continuous monologue. She stayed at the back of the group, but set the pace only just shy of a jog; the last thing she wanted was to give anyone time to think. Finally, they reached the grassy area where the fic had started.

"Marvellous!" she enthused. "Now then, girls, please stand facing each other - that's right - and eye contact, please!"

"I don't think I want her looking at me," Hallie said, her voice deliberately drawled. "She's a _Lesbian_, I don't know what she might be thinking."

Kaitlyn's eye twitched. "So am I, sweetie," she said. "So are a lot of people. Should we forbid you from looking at boys just because you're straight? Leaving entirely aside the fact that with the way you've treated her, she wouldn't want to think that about you even if you weren't-"

"If the parents will please stand with their children," Selene said, raising her voice and shouting down Kaitlyn's increasingly loud rant, "we can get this thing started. Form a circle, please - yes, that's right. Counsellor Jackson, please stand behind Annie; I will handle Hallie's side."

Still trembling, Kaitlyn took up position behind Annie. "Thank you, Professor Windflower," she said, and held up her mirror, matching Selene's movement. "Now then. Annie, look past Hallie; can you see yourself in the mirror?"

Annie's lip was quivering, tears on the verge of falling, but she did as she was told. "I… yes," she managed.

"Excellent. Hallie?"

Hallie folded her arms and glared into Kaitlyn's mirror. "Much better than looking at her lopsided face," she grunted.

"Marvellous," Kaitlyn managed. "Now, Agent- er, Professor Windflower, I believe you had something to say? Girls, keep looking in the mirrors."

Selene glanced down at her charge list. "Only that the last day or so has been filled with the most deplorable abuses of the English language, of character, of time and distance, and in some cases of simply common decency," she said. "Counsellor Jackson?"

Kaitlyn nodded. She lifted her free hand, holding the _Parent Trap_ DVD tightly, and watched Selene's fingers. The vampire held up three, then folded down one, two, and the third.

"Forces of uncanon," the agents chanted in unison, "by the name of Disney and the power of canon, we abjure you and cast you out!" The canon characters stiffened, though whether as a result of their words or simply in bafflement was unclear.

Kaitlyn swept her hand up and flung the DVD forward, into the middle of the circle. "Selene!" she called.

The vampire's eyes blazed red. A shadow swept over the ground, and as the disc reached the very centre of the ring of canons, a bolt of electric fury crashed out of the sky and struck it full on.

The disc didn't shatter. Instead, the tortured canon, pushed to breaking point by the act of violence against the very incarnation of itself, lashed out. A wave of canon energy and power pulsed out from the centre of the circle, throwing the characters to the ground - and as they fell, screaming wraiths of light flew backwards from Hallie and Annie. A furious red spirit struck Selene's mirror, while a weeping blue form reflected off Kaitlyn's; they bounced, careened across the circle, and collided with each other in a flare of light.

Kaitlyn staggered back from the force of the three explosions in quick succession - the lightning, the canon, and the first collision of the wraiths. But she kept her mirror up, and the remnants of Hallie's wraith struck it and rebounded again. The spirits crossed the circle, back and forth, each time tearing through each other - and with each contact their colours bled together, until both glowed a uniform purple.

"On three!" Selene yelled over the sound of the wraiths' wailing. "One - two - _three_!"

In perfect synchronicity, Kaitlyn and Selene tilted their mirrors forward. The spirits passed through each other one final time, bounced off their respective mirrors - and were flung downwards. They struck the two girls almost simultaneously, and in a final burst of canonical energy, the lawn fell silent.

The shocked forms of Elizabeth and Nick wavered and vanished, thrown back to their homes. Annie and Hallie seemed to shimmer as well, their fencing clothes appearing out of nowhere, and on the verges of the lawn the other girls of Camp Walden popped into existence. The twins slowly got to their feet, facing each other across the grass.

"Don't you see it?" Annie asked.

"See what?"

"The resemblance between us."

"And _that_," Kaitlyn said quietly, walking across the lawn to the hay bales they had started the mission behind, "is how you fix a canon."

Selene froze in the act of putting her notebook away and stared at her. "You think that went _well_?"

"I admit some of it was a little unexpected," Kaitlyn said, "but-"

"Oh, just a little?" Selene gestured back at the field. "Let's go back over the plan. The lightning bolt breaks the DVD, thus applying blunt force to all four canons at once. This, combined with the exorcism chant, knocks the misplaced portions of the girls' spirits out of them. We use the mirrors to redirect those spirits, sending them back to their usual owners, then portal everyone home."

"And that's exactly what we did!" Kaitlyn protested. "With a few minor variations, I guess."

"A few-" Selene bit down on her words and pulled out the Remote Activator. "Come on. I could eat a horse."

"Okay. Um. Literally?"

"Nah. Cow-blood's much nicer."

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. _The Parent Trap_ belongs to Disney. _Opposite Reaction Same Result_ belongs to Aires Black, and is quoted, paraphrased and dissected here for the purposes of parody and humour; no claim of ownership is made by SturmAndSquee or any other members of the PPC.

**SturmAndSquee's Author's Note:** There's a whole lot of evidence to show that people will do almost anything if confronted by an authority figure.

I'm afraid the agents rather took over this mission - by my count, less than a quarter of the mission takes place during the actual story. What can I say? The story was short, and they had a lot to say.

**Agent Kaitlyn's Constructive Criticism**

The idea at the heart of this story - that the twins don't get on at all - is a good one. Given their introduction in the film, it would be really interesting to see them _not_ reconciling, even after discovering they're sisters. Unfortunately, your execution of the concept was rather weak; rather than showing us two strong-willed girls with a link that neither of them wanted, you gave us a teary victim and a playground bully. That can be an interesting story in its own right - but it isn't _The Parent Trap_.

Again, the idea of bringing the parents to the camp, and having them see how their children are different, is a really interesting one, but unfortunately in this story, it's a huge overreaction. It would have been better to have shown us a long feud between the twins - perhaps a series of 'pranks' much more malicious than the ones in the film - which could actually have led to their parents being called. As things stand, your hair-trigger version of Marva means the film would have stopped before it even began, because she would never have sent the twins to the isolation cabin.

In summary, this story has a brilliant concept which has difficulty shining through the way you've written it. Take a step back - watch the film again - and show us how Annie and Hallie could _really_ have fought. Then you'd have a fantastic fanfic to share.


	6. Bella Black

"Do you think he'd mind if I kept it?"

"I can't imagine he'll be too pleased," Selene said. "I mean, he's the Canon _Librarian_. Making sure he gets his stock back is right there in the job title."

Kaitlyn clutched her newly 'borrowed' replacement copy of _The Parent Trap_ a little tighter. "Yeah, but - it's only _one_ DVD. He's probably got lots."

"Sure," Selene agreed. "_You_ tell him that."

"Um." Kaitlyn drummed her fingers on the DVD case. "Maybe I should reconsider."

"I'd recommend it." Selene pushed the door of their Response Centre open. "Still, even if you don't get to keep the disc, it was a productive trip."

"Or maybe destructive." Kaitlyn shook her head. "When you said you wanted raw steak, I kind of assumed you were going to _eat_ it."

"Eat uncooked meat?" Selene shuddered. "What kind of savage do you think I am? All I needed was the blood. If I wanted taste, I'd get a stir-fry or a sandwich or something."

"I guess that makes sense." Kaitlyn tucked her DVD away on the shelf. "So shall-"

_[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]_

Scowling, Selene hit the button. "And we have… ooh. _Harry Potter_. Nice."

"Oh?" Kaitlyn started towards her. "Who's in it?"

"Mm, let's see." Selene scrolled through the report. "Looks like it's your sort of story."

Kaitlyn blinked. "Hobbits?"

Selene rolled her eyes. "No, femslash. Bellatrix Lestrange and Hermione Granger."

"... let me see." Kaitlyn's voice had gone suddenly flat, and Selene turned in the stool to see her glaring at the screen.

"Uh, sure." Selene scrolled back to the beginning. "They say Bellatrix is wildly OOC, and Hermione's not much better. She sees a Death Eater in Hogwarts and doesn't report it - yeah, that's out of character, all right."

"It's brutal character assassination, is what it is," Kaitlyn growled. "Hermione would _never_ be that incompetent. I don't care what Bellatrix said; Hermione would see through it. She always does."

"Er. Right." Selene frowned at her partner, and then it clicked. "Lust Object?"

Kaitlyn bit her lip, then nodded quickly. "I know I never registered her," she said, sounding defensive. "I only worked in LotR, remember?"

"Hey, no problem by me," Selene said, holding up her hands. "I was just a bit surprised. She doesn't seem very hobbitlike."

Kaitlyn snorted. "Hobbits aren't _sexy_," she explained, "they're _cute_. _Smart_ is sexy."

"If you say so," Selene said, looking dubious. "I'm more into noble-and-tragic, myself. Oh, and hot."

"Well, obviously," Kaitlyn chuckled. "Hot is _always_, um, hot."

"O-kay." Selene tapped at the console. "With that settled… what would ambush both a Death Eater and a Hogwarts student? _Don't_ say hobbits."

"Wasn't going to," Kaitlyn retorted. "Uh… Dementors? They're pretty indiscriminate."

"And immune to spells, as I recall," Selene said, punching in the settings. "I'd hate to bring Bellatrix back to herself only to get AK'd… let's just hope Hermione doesn't have the presence of mind to throw a Patronus at us."

"I'm not sure we could get away with taking packs as Dementors," Kaitlyn pointed out, "and I don't fancy lugging a book through the entire mission, so are we brushing off one of the alternate exorcism methods?"

Selene left the console for a moment and pulled a couple of Muggle-use wands out of the weapon rack. "I thought we'd try the local version," she said, throwing a wand to Kaitlyn. "You know it?"

"I've read the report from Bad Slash, yes," Kaitlyn confirmed, swishing the wand back and forth a couple of times. "So what are we waiting for?"

"Absolutely nothing." Selene tapped a button, opening the blue portal. "Ladies first."

"Er…"

"Just go."

* * *

><p>The night was dark, lit only by stars and a thin moon. Kaitlyn looked around curiously. "The Hogwarts grounds?" she said. "What's Bellatrix doing <em>here<em>?"

"The report didn't say," Selene told her. The two of them hung over the grass, their forms wispy and indistinct. Suddenly, Kaitlyn giggled.

"Woooo!" she exclaimed. "I'm a ghoooost!" And she flew across the lawn towards a nearby tree. "I can appear out of noooo-ouch." The agent drew back from the tree trunk, giving it what was probably a disgruntled glare. "How come I can't fly through it?"

"Because you're not a ghost," Selene said. "You're a Dementor. Would you expect a Nazgul to pass through walls?"

"I guess not." Kaitlyn drifted back to Selene's side, swishing her wand vaguely through the air. "So: mission?"

Selene squinted up at the Words. "Bellatrix - pardon me, 'Bella' - is in a 'somber room'... somewhere. Presumably nearby, since she comes out here after angsting a bit."

"Ooh, I love a good angst." Kaitlyn looked up, shifting her hood to read the Words better. "So, she's been abused since she was four, 'the Cruciatus has stopped hurting me by the time I was 6', she's shy, she's not actually crazy, and inside she's 'still very much Bella Black'. For ten points, ladies and spectres, name that character!"

Selene snorted. "I'll take 'definitely not Bellatrix Lestrange', please, Steve."

"And you'd be right!" Kaitlyn tilted her hooded head. "'Steve'?"

"Carol? Mike? It's one of those English names." Selene dismissed the question with a wave of her hand. "Look. It gets better."

Kaitlyn's speculative study of the Words had turned to a glare. "'Would never hurt a fly'? 'The only girl in her year who didn't like to gossip'? You know, there's not much point to writing a redemption fic if you completely alter the person you're planning to redeem."

"Don't forget that her favourite scents are rose, mint, parchment, and burning wood," Selene said. "That's important information that will alter your entire image of the character."

"My image has already been sufficiently altered by that 'huge bust' she's self-conscious about," Kaitlyn muttered. "And _not_ for the better, thank you, Agent Windflower."

"I said nothing."

"I could hear you _thinking_ it." Kaitlyn glanced at the Words again, and then her face froze.

"What is it?" Selene asked, frowning. "The thing about her being forced to become a Death Eater?"

"No," Kaitlyn ground out. "The next line."

_I had to marry the man that rapes me every night, while I try to hold back the tears_

"... and that's a charge of trivialising rape to add to the massive character assassination," Selene said. She reached for her notebook, then grimaced. "Right; no pack. Good thing I've got a memory on me."

"Mm." Kaitlyn was still glaring at the Words. Selene sighed and drifted over to her.

"It's only a badfic," she said in a low voice. "I'm angry about it too, but it hasn't done anything to the _real_ Bellatrix. When we get done here, she'll never know it happened."

"That doesn't make it any better," Kaitlyn snapped, then grimaced. "Sorry. I just…"

"I know." Selene glanced at the Words again, deliberately not scrolling back to the offending line. "Okay, the narration's brought us up to the 'somber room'. Voldemort's talking, Bellatrix isn't paying attention - another nail in the character assassination coffin - and _totty-headed bats what is that?!_"

Out of nowhere, a tremendous buzzing sound tore through the air, and a gigantic swarm of black bees seemed to crystallise out of the darkness. The insects dove on the agents; Selene dissolved instantly into a white mist while Kaitlyn simply fled at top speed, heading for the lake. Then, as suddenly as they had appeared, the bees vanished.

Cautiously, Selene reformed, only to find Kaitlyn glowering at her. "Nice one," the younger woman said. "Next time, could you pick a vampiric power that can help _me_, too?"

"I don't think they could actually sting you," Selene said, a little dubiously. "I mean, you're a Dementor."

"You may be right," Kaitlyn allowed. "But my point stands. Next time-"

"Is probably about to happen," Selene jumped in. "I think the attack was a manifestation of the scene breaks - they're written as 'BBBBBBBB', and there's another one coming any second."

"Great." Kaitlyn looked around. "Can we hide underwater? I don't think we need to breathe, and the Great Lake's right there."

"First, it's the Dark Lake now," Selene pointed out, "and secondly, no. Vampires and running water don't mix."

"It's not exactly 'running'," Kaitlyn countered, "and-" But by then it was too late, and a second swarm of Bs, just as large and aggressive as the first, burst upon them.

The agents held their ground, and the Bs saw the opportunity, struck - and made no impact on the black-robed Dementors. "Nice," Kaitlyn called over the buzzing. "Except for the part where it's utterly-" The Bs vanished again. "-horrifying. Uh, that was a bit loud, sorry."

"Not your fault," Selene said, waving a hand dismissively. "Come on, she's on her way."

Sure enough, Bellatrix had emerged from the gloom and was heading straight for them. The agents drifted away towards the lake, which was looking distinctly more evil than normal, and watched as the canon settled down under a large tree and waved her wand. Soft music began to play, and the ground was suddenly littered with candles, inexplicably contained in bottles. "This is ludicrous," Kaitlyn murmured. "And she calls herself a Death Eater?"

"This version doesn't," Selene pointed out. "This version thinks of Hogwarts as her 'happy place'. And claims she can always find calmness within herself."

"Are we looking at a character replacement here?" Kaitlyn asked, studying Bellatrix. "I mean, without a CAD, how do we tell?"

Selene shrugged. "If the exorcism doesn't work, she's been replaced," she said. "It's not like she's going to hurt us if we mess up, is she? She'd be more likely to serenade us!"

At that moment, something that sounded like nothing more than the world's loudest and longest sigh echoed through the Hogwarts grounds. The agents stared at each other, and then turned as one to the Words.

"Oh, lovely," Selene grumbled. "That was another scene break - a 'HHHHHHHH' one."

"At least it wasn't bees again," Kaitlyn said. "And- ooh."

Hermione Granger had appeared on the scene, appearing out of the darkness into the warm light of the candles. Selene looked sideways at her partner to find her resting her chin on her hand, watching Hermione with rapt attention.

"Oh, you're impossible," the vampire said. "You're going to be useless all mission, aren't you?"

"Doesn't she look smart?" Kaitlyn sighed, drifting slowly forwards. "I mean, you can practically taste the intelligence rolling off her." She bumped against a fallen branch, shook herself, and looked back at Selene. "Er. I mean, we should probably get closer. We need to hear what they're saying."

"You're not fooling anyone, you know." Selene glided forwards, watching as Hermione cast a warming charm on Bellatrix and then approached her. Then, out of nowhere, heavy objects the size of her fist started dropping on her head. "Ow! What the-?"

Kaitlyn had ducked, throwing her arms up, and managed to grab one of the falling objects. She held it up into the candlelight: a lump of wrought iron, shaped into the letters **BBHG**. "I guess the Word World ran out of ideas for these scene shifts," she said, then yelped as the letters vanished from her hand. Reaching up to rub her head, she said, "I really hope there's no more."

"No argument here." Selene looked skeptically at her partner. "You know you can't just go and sit next to them, right?"

"Can too," Kaitlyn said. "They're canons, so they won't notice me."

"Assuming Bellatrix isn't a replacement," Selene pointed out. "And assuming you don't accidentally draw attention to yourself. And assuming-"

"All right, all right." Sullen, Kaitlyn changed her angle of approach, aiming for a point slightly off to the side of the canons, between them and the lake. "Better?"

"A bit." Selene shook her head. "You're just choosing a spot where you can best ogle Hermione, aren't you?"

Kaitlyn put on her best offended look. "Not _just_," she protested. "I'm a PPC agent too, you know. I want to get them back in canon as much as you do."

_"Arent you scared?" Bella asks the girl. "No, I don't think you will hurt me. This is my happy place, and it seems to be yours as well, therefore I don't think that you are Bellatrix Lestrange right this second. I would be scared and running already if you were but no one who enjoys the breeze, the sound of waves crashing and the moon shining is a threat. You appear very calm and nothing like your usual maniac self."_

"... case in point." Kaitlyn lifted a hand to massage her forehead. "That's… really bad logic, Miss Granger."

"At least she _noticed_ Bellatrix is OOC," Selene said. "There's some hope for her, at least."

Kaitlyn watched as Hermione sat down next to the Death Eater, _so close that their legs and shoulders brushed and both enjoyed the warmth that the other body provided._ "I'm… really not convinced."

"Eh. Maybe you're right." Selene cocked her head, reading the Words. "Hermione thinks she's beautiful… thoughts?"

"Hermione _is_ beautiful," Kaitlyn said firmly, then squinted upwards. "Oh, you meant Bellatrix?"

"That would follow from the story we're suffering through, yes."

"Ehm." Kaitlyn considered the question. "Not my type. But that doesn't mean she couldn't be _Hermione's_ type. People have varying preferences, you know."

"Fair enough." Selene winced and touched a hand to her forehead. "Why have I suddenly got a headache?"

"Grammatical compression." Kaitlyn pointed at the two women, now talking quietly to each other. "Their speech is coming across as massive block paragraphs, with no breaks for speakers."

"Should've guessed it'd be something like that." Selene glanced up at the Words, then sighed and returned her gaze to her partner. "I can tell you're edging closer. Don't think your lack of legs is fooling me."

Kaitlyn froze in place, doing her best to look innocent. "Their voices are so quiet," she said. "I need to be close enough to hear. Otherwise, how can I know what the charges are?"

"I thought _I_ was handling the charge list," Selene said. "Are you offering to take over?"

"No. Nonono." Kaitlyn drifted another foot or so forwards, then stopped, looking guilty. "Come on, Selene. What's the point of coming on a mission if we just hide out by the lake?"

"We get the job done, we exorcise the canons, we protect the plot continuum?" Selene suggested. Then she sighed. "But you're not going to stop going on about this, are you?"

"Mmm… nope!"

"Then come on. We'll hide in the branches of the tree."

Kaitlyn probably grinned; it was hard to tell under her hood. She leapt into the air, a black shadow against the stars, and headed for the tree.

When Selene caught up with her, Kaitlyn was staring down through the branches, humming softly to herself. Hermione was just wiping a tear away from Bellatrix's eye, and assuring her that her sisters were protected. "Well, that's wrong for a start," Selene muttered. "If Narcissa's anywhere close to the Order of the Phoenix, then this should be the middle of the Battle of Hogwarts, which would make these two deserters at best."

"Mmm…"

Selene glanced sideways at her partner, then followed her gaze downwards. "... Kaitlyn?"

"Mmm?"

"Are you looking down Hermione's cleavage?"

Kaitlyn glanced up sharply. "I wouldn't dream of it," she protested. "And besides, those robes would make it impossible."

"At least she's _wearing_ them," Selene said. "Any idea why Bellatrix Lestrange, Death Eater Extraordinare, is wearing 'black yoga pants and a pale blue sweater'?"

"Mm… nope," Kaitlyn admitted. "To try and lull Hermione into a false sense of security?"

"If so, it's worked _wonders_. She's calling her beautiful again."

"Each to her own," Kaitlyn said, her voice placid. "Though I'm… not convinced by the list of reasons. Her aristocratic face? Her hair that goes with her looks? Her skin?" She glanced at the Words and chuckled. "Her - you'll like this - expressive _eyes_?"

Selene shuddered. "I'm sure they are," she said, "but I don't think what they express is beauty."

"And more than that…" Kaitlyn shook her head. "Hermione's canonical love interest is _Ron_. She's clearly not into clear skin and harsh features."

Selene muttered something that seemed to contain Ron's name, then shook her head. "At least the rest of the world agrees with you," she pointed out. "It seems no-one else has called Bellatrix beautiful."

"Well, duh."

"They just see her as-" Selene cut off in mid-sentence, and deep in the shadow beneath her hood a gleam of red burned in her eyes. "Not. This. Again."

„_No, they see me as an object to play with and the rest of the time I am one of the guys. I don't think I have talked with a female in the last 20 years, apart from Cissy that is." „What do you mean play with?" „Rape." „Are you serious?"_

Kaitlyn's mouth dropped open. "That… it… what?"

"I take back what I said earlier," Selene growled. "_This_ is what trivialised rape looks like."

"_What_?"

The vampire glanced at her partner. "You okay?"

"No," Kaitlyn managed. "No, I'm not okay, and no, she's apparently _not_ serious, because her response to Hermione trying to make her feel better is to start _taking her clothes off_!"

"Er?" Selene looked down; sure enough, Bellatrix had thrown aside her sweater and was now standing there in just her bra and trousers. "Oh. Huh. So she wasn't wearing a top under that sweater?"

"Probably she forgot; she's Bellatrix, after all."

Selene shook her head slowly. Down below, Hermione had drawn her wand and was running it over Bellatrix's undescribed injuries one by one, healing each in turn. "I have a horrible feeling this is meant to be erotic," Selene muttered.

"It would fit the general flow of the fic," Kaitlyn agreed. Then her eyes narrowed. "Wait - revelation of past trauma followed by stripping followed by healing - this is a hurt/comfort fic!"

"A pretty unconventional one, if it is." Selene pointed downwards. "The Intelligence report didn't suggest any more physical contact than that, and we didn't actually _see_ the 'hurt' aspect."

"There was that flashback," Kaitlyn recalled, "and- ooh."

"Ooh?"

Kaitlyn shot Selene a look. "Ooh, I want to listen to Hermione's next speech. Shh."

_"Do you want to know what the first thing was that I thought when I saw you? I thought ‚Who is that beautiful woman?' and that didn't change. I don't know you but I would like too, you are not the crazy person people believe you too be. You, Bella Black are perfect. Your curves are mesmerizing and your bust is magnificent."_

Kaitlyn hummed softly to herself as Hermione embraced the Death Eater. "Not bad, not bad."

"Wildly out-of-character," Selene pointed out.

Kaitlyn tossed her hair. "Yeah, I know, but - ooh, there's more."

_"You are soft and luscious, your bust is voluptuous and you smell of fire, roses and parchment. You have an air of calm around you and I find you fascinating."_

Kaitlyn let out a soft sigh, drawing an odd look from Selene. "Kaitlyn? You okay?"

"What?" Kaitlyn's head jerked round, and Selene got the distinct impression she was blushing under the hood. "Um, yes. I was sighing because, uh." She coughed. "Because it was so OOC. And therefore a charge. Yes."

"Uh… huh." Selene looked up at the Words again. "Yes, it really was. And it… made Bellatrix feel like a little girl."

"... that's just twisted."

"Exactly. Let's finish this up. You have your wand?"

"I'm ready when you are," Kaitlyn assured her partner, brandishing the Muggle-use wand.

"On three, then. One, two…"

Hermione had just finished offering to take Bellatrix Away From All This when the PPC agents dropped down onto the grass beside them. "Protectors of the Plot Continuum!" Selene yelled, loud enough to break through the canon-cloaking and get their attention. "Nobody move!"

Hermione thrust Bellatrix behind her, and the older woman fell to the floor. "_I think you deserve someone protecting and caring for you for once_," Hermione said over her shoulder, echoing her line from the fic.

"Yes, she does," Selene said firmly, levelling her wand at the young witch - who, in keeping with her inattentive nature during the story, didn't even react. "Kaitlyn? Ready?"

"I'd rather have exorcised Hermione," Kaitlyn said with a sigh from her position off to the side, "but I'm ready."

"Then do it!" Selene closed her eyes tightly, picturing Hermione Granger - not the badfic version, but the original. She remembered the first time Harry met her on the train, the trio's adventures with the Time Turner, the girl's endless name-dropping of books she'd read, and the brave fighter she ultimately turned out to be. _Good thing Kaitlyn didn't get this job_, she thought as she circled her wand in the air; _I dread to think _what _she would have been thinking about_…

With the memories and thoughts of canon firmly in place, Selene opened her eyes and fixed them on Hermione. "Expecto Patronum," she muttered. "Expecto… _Patronum!_"

A great silver wolf leapt from the tip of Selene's wand. It hit the ground, hesitated but a moment, and then lunged for Hermione. The young witch screamed and fell back - leaving in her place the wispy form of the wraith that had possessed her.

Letting out a scratchy-sounding shriek, the wraith turned and tried to flee the lightning-streaked form of Selene's Patronus, but found itself blocked: a second wraith hovered above Bellatrix, held at bay by the flickering silver of Kaitlyn's spell.

"Your Patronus is a _hedgehog_?" Selene called over the howling of the wraiths.

"And yours is predictable!" Kaitlyn yelled back. "Get on with it! I can't hold this for long!"

Selene returned her gaze to the wraiths. "For your crimes against grammar," she shouted into the winds that blew back from her Patronus, "for your disregard for both common sense and decency, for your utter mangling of the characters of these two witches, and most of all for your trivialisation of emotional abuse and rape, the Protectors of the Plot Continuum sentence you to death!" She flicked her wand like a whip, driving the wolf forward. "_Get them_!"

The wraiths' death was noisy, but mercifully quick. As the last shreds of them dissipated into the night air, Selene lowered her wand. "You could have helped," she called to her partner.

"What, with my vicious hedgehog?" Kaitlyn retorted. "Besides, you had it well in hand."

Selene shook her head, dropping the conversation. The canon characters were starting to recover from the battle that had been waged over their heads. Hermione got shakily to her feet, and as she did so, Bellatrix finally managed to pull herself into a sitting position. Selene's eyes suddenly widened.

"This could be a prob-"

Bellatrix's eyes fixed on Hermione. In a single smooth movement she whipped out her wand and levelled it at the girl: "_Cruci-_"

There was a flash of red light. Selene lowered the neuralyzer and nodded. "Problem noticed, problem solved. Right. Bellatrix, you're a crazy violent Death Eater; Hermione, you don't like Death Eaters. Neither of you hang around near the lake, whether it be Great, Black, or Dark." She rooted out her Remote Activator and opened a portal in front of Bellatrix. "The blue doorway will take you to Lord Voldemort. Off you go. And put some clothes on!"

As Bellatrix lurched to her feet and stumbled through the portal, Kaitlyn shivered and looked around. "Selene?" she called. "Where are you?"

Selene frowned. "I'm right here," she pointed out.

Kaitlyn jumped back. "You're a Dementor! Why are you-?" She caught sight of her own hand and stared. "Why am _I_ a Dementor. Are we on a mission? Last I remember we were in our RC…"

Selene groaned. "You looked at the neuralyzer, didn't you?" she realised. "I'm really sorry. I-"

"Merlin's beard! Dementors!"

The two agents whirled to see Hermione backing away, eyes wide, fumbling for her wand. Kaitlyn made a noise halfway between a sigh and a groan.

"You made me forget a mission with _Hermione_?" she said. "Oh, that's just not _fair_!"

The young witch finally found her wand and levelled it at the agents. "_Expecto Patr-_"

Flash.

"Hermione, it's after dark, you should be in bed. Head back. Kaitlyn, we should… oh, trine it all."

"Ack! Dementor! Wait… Selene, is that you? What's going on?"

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. _Harry Potter_ belongs to J.K. Rowling. _Bella Black_ belongs to MistressMetis, and is quoted, paraphrased and dissected here for the purposes of parody and humour; no claim of ownership is made by SturmAndSquee or any other members of the PPC.

**SturmAndSquee's Author's Note:** Because really: how do you _think_ Bellatrix suddenly finding Hermione nearby would go?

Do you think there might be consequences to Selene accidentally neuralyzing her partner - twice, no less? Other than, of course, Kaitlyn sulking at her for_ever_ over those lost memories...

**Agent Kaitlyn's Constructive Criticism**

The concept of this story is really interesting. The idea that even the worst character can be redeemed fits very well into Rowling's works - Bellatrix's own sister Narcissa is a potent example. But the key to a believable redemption is _sacrifice_, and 'Bella Black' sacrifices nothing. Instead of a tale of Hermione slowly drawing out the good that's buried deep beneath Bellatrix's madness, you've given us a story of Bellatrix just… deciding to be nice now.

There were some lovely moments in your story. The imagery of the 'happy place' under the tree was gorgeous, vivid and captivating. In fact, your whole description of Bellatrix's childhood would have been deeply moving - were it not coming out of the blue.

Bellatrix needs time to become Bella again. She needs to spend weeks - months - working through to the realisation that her childhood sucks - not just be given it on a plate. If this story served as the last chapter to a retelling of the Battle of Hogwarts from Bellatrix's perspective - one in which the horrors of war finally broke through her shell of madness and threw her into a whirlpool of self-doubt, one in which she has several encounters with Hermione which introduce the younger woman to her newly-found uncertainties - then it would work quite well. But alone, it simply isn't believable.


	7. Thorin's Little Princess

Kaitlyn spun the office chair back to the left, letting it whirl her round. As it slowed, the blurs passing in front of her eyes slowly resolved into the console (displaying her just-completed concrit for their last mission, which had required actually reading the fic due to _someone's_ inability to keep her neuralyzer under control), the weapon stockpile (which was mostly made up of knives and throwing stars, since Selene had firm preferences in that area), and Selene (whose face showed a mixture of bafflement and irritation). Kaitlyn guided the chair to a stop facing her partner, and grinned.

"What d'you think?"

"I think I leave the room for five minutes, and you start throwing away our pay on random furniture."

"That's where you're wrong," Kaitlyn said. "Firstly, we don't get paid."

"We do, actually," Selene corrected. "We get paid room, board, medical fees, psych fees, repairs, equipment-"

"-and 'reasonable requisitions'," Kaitlyn put in. "Which is what this is. Since I'm spending so much time writing, the Morning Glory was happy to get this chair in for me."

Selene blinked. "Sorry, the who?"

"She's the Quartermaster," Kaitlyn said. "And when I say 'happy to', I mean I had to listen to half an hour of complaints about how everyone takes her for granted, and shouldn't she really have been promoted by now, because really, this is ridiculous. So then I pointed out that I'd heard she was Head of Finance now, and she suddenly went very quiet and set me up with this, uh," she bent down and peered at the side of the chair, "'Galactic Tyrant-brand Executive Pivoting Helium-Cushioned Mobile Throne of Glory'. It's got wheels, see!"

Selene stared at her. "That," she attempted, then returned to staring for a few moments before managing, "That is the most ridic- no, actually, it isn't; I was partnered with Dafydd." The vampire thought for a second. "That is… in the top thirty most ridiculous things I've ever heard."

"Don't knock it if it works," Kaitlyn said. She kicked off the console, sending the chair flying towards the bedroom door; a well-timed spin let her rebound off the wall and return to the computer, where a _mis_timed spin let her scrape her knees against the work surface. "Ow."

"Aren't you a bit worried about… well, playing like this?" Selene asked. "The Ironic Overpower is a knave in grain; it'll surely rain punishment on your head for enjoying yourself."

"Nope," Kaitlyn said, smiling smugly. "We got an email while you were out. Our next mission is coming by courier."

"By… what?" Selene stepped up to the console and frowned at the message. "What… I mean, why…?"

"Haven't a clue," Kaitlyn replied. "But that means no beep. Instead, we get to wait for-"

_Knock._

"... was that an actual knock?" Kaitlyn asked. "Don't people usually do, uh, more than one?"

"Generally," Selene agreed. She walked briskly to the door and swung it open. "Pauming owlers!"

"Your idioms are getting more and more incomprehensible," Kaitlyn said, nudging her chair in the direction of the door. "Or do I mean less and less comprehensible? Oh."

The 'oh' came when she saw what was outside the door, or rather, didn't see. The corridor outside their RC was completely black, rather than its normal grey. "Selene," Kaitlyn hissed, "you can see in the dark, right?"

"Normally," Selene said. "But not this darkness. There's something-"

"Delivery for you," came a sullen voice, and a package flew out of the darkness. Selene caught it reflexively, and Kaitlyn beamed.

"It's the Canon Librarian! I'd recognise that sulk anywhere. What're you doing out of your nest?"

"... wishing I was back in it," the Canon Librarian's voice said after a pause. "Are we done here?"

"I don't know; are we?"

"Yes." There was a soft sound of motion from the hall, and then, "No," the Canon Librarian corrected himself. "You have one of my collection."

"Oh." Kaitlyn coughed. "Um. I guess you need it back?"

"Not need," the Canon Librarian corrected. "_Want_. It's my only first edition."

"DVDs have first editions?" Selene wondered.

"They do if you're a _true_ collector."

"I'll, um, I'll just get that, then." Kaitlyn hopped off her chair and scurried across the room. She shuffled through a pile on the table, found the _Parent Trap_ disc, and returned to the door. "Here you go. Um, thank you for-"

Something - it could have been a very pale hand, or a white tentacle, or something else entirely - whipped out of the darkness and snatched the case from her fingers. "Good," the Canon Librarian said. "You're welcome. Bye."

This time the sound of movement, soft though it was, continued until it faded into the distance. Kaitlyn shook her head slightly.

"If he got out more, he'd be a lot happier," she said. "Or, you know, got out at all."

Selene was still squinting into the darkness. "Oh, that sidledywry simkin!" she exclaimed. "And here I was convinced he had some kind of magical power!"

"Er?"

The vampire tossed the package to Kaitlyn, pulled a handkerchief out of her pocket, stepped into the shadowy corridor, and reached up to scrub at the light fitting. "Ink," she said, as the ambient glow slowly returned. "He sprayed ink on the bulbs."

"Huh." Kaitlyn thought about this. "Hang on… I didn't think we _had_ lightbulbs."

Selene looked up and down the corridor. Sure enough, the fitting she was wiping was the only one in sight; the rest of the corridor was simply lit by a uniform glow. "Um…"

"And that still doesn't explain why the darkness stopped precisely at our door," Kaitlyn added. "I'm pretty sure physics doesn't work like that."

"Uh…"

"And besides, didn't you _say_ it was unusual? That you couldn't see into it?"

"Shall we open our package?" Selene asked hurriedly. "I'm _dying_ to find out what's in it."

"Eager for a mission?" Kaitlyn asked. "Do we need to take you down to FicPsych?"

Selene flinched, her hand flying up to touch the brasswork of the Key on her face. "No," she said, "no. I'm fine. Peachy. Absolutely fantastic."

"... good!" With rather more vigor than was necessary, Kaitlyn tore open the brown paper package. "And we have… a DVD of _The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey_." She flipped open the case. "It's a rental copy. Wait, no." She frowned at the disc, bringing it closer to her face. "I take that back. It says it's 'Not For Rental', and then someone's taken a black marker and drawn over the first two words."

"Saves trying to get hold of genuine rental versions," Selene said. "So we get to watch a film?"

"I guess so." Kaitlyn upended the package and shook it, causing a sheet of glossy paper to fall out and float lazily to the floor. "Or maybe not."

Selene picked up the letter. "_Dear Agents Windflower and Jackson_," she read.

"Okay, two questions," Kaitlyn cut in. "First, how are you doing that Flower voice? It's creepy. Second, why are _you_ listed first? And, uh, second part two, why do Upstairs always like using my surname?"

"I'm going to assume all of those were rhetorical," Selene said. "_Dear_ Whoever, _we have noted a distressing tendency for agents to spend large amounts of time in the field. This naturally leads to a lower mission count, and thus a continuing buildup of badfic backlog._

"_Consequentially, we are trialling a new system. In missions where the Department of Intelligence determines that the majority of the badfic consists of direct quotes from the canon, a DVD will be provided. You are required to watch the movie; your console is programmed to pause and open a portal whenever the story varies from the source canon._

"_Images of any OCs have been provided in this package. When they appear in the story, but cause no changes from the canon, you are required to stick the picture to your screen, to remind you that they are there._

"_It is our hope that this will lead to an increased throughput of missions, and less work for our poor, overworked, understaffed and underpaid Intelligence agents._

"_Thank you for your cooperation in this trial…_"

The vampire raised an eyebrow and studied the paper. "Then there's what looks like the words 'The Sub Rosa', only crossed out. Underneath it is 'The Sunflo', also struck through, followed by 'The Board o', ditto, and finally, 'Your Department Head'."

"Uh… huh. May I?" Kaitlyn took the sheet and examined it. "Would you say you're… convinced by this letter?"

Selene considered the question. "I would say," she replied, "that in the hypothetical case where this was a ruse by someone in the DoI to try and get us to do our job quicker, so that they could fire off all their backlog and go down to Rudi's to get plastered on rhum and coke-"

"That's a very specific hypothetical."

"I've known a few Spies in my time." Selene shrugged. "Anyway, if, hypothetically, that were the case, I would say that the scheme was entirely convincing, and that I had no chance of seeing through it, and that therefore I would treat it as genuine."

Kaitlyn thought about this, then grinned. "That's good enough for me," she said. "I'll get the popcorn."

* * *

><p>"We should do more missions like this," Selene said, leaning back on the beanbag with her fresh bowl of popcorn. "It's good to relax."<p>

"Shh!" Kaitlyn hissed. She scooted her chair a little closer to the console. "I like this scene."

"You like _all_ the scenes."

"They've all got Bilbo in them," Kaitlyn shot back, shrugging. "He's not the _cutest_ hobbit in the world, but he's still a hobbit."

"I'm not sure how much that means when he's only talking to people of his own size," Selene replied.

"Nonsense!" Kaitlyn pointed at the screen as a heap of dwarves tumbled through the door of Bag End. "Here comes Gandalf now."

"Yes, and he still comes across like a giant who's strayed into the film," Selene said. "Seriously, he's like a cross between Hagrid and Dumbledore."

Kaitlyn considered that mental image and winced. "Thanks for that. Shouldn't you be making a charge list?"

"Of _what_?" Selene asked. "I've already put 'copying extensively from the film', and it's starting to look as if we're never actually going i-"

_[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]_

"Nice one," Kaitlyn said, scowling at her partner and getting to her feet. Skirting round the automatically-opened portal, she tapped at the console for a moment, then glared up at the paused movie. "Not fair! It's locked out the disguise controls."

"Probably pre-set by the Spies," Selene said, grabbing a dagger from her collection. "Problem?"

"Well, I…" Kaitlyn looked guilty. "I was just thinking that, y'know, we could be… hobbits?"

"It would seem logical," Selene agreed, keeping her expression bland.

"Really? Because I was sure you'd say we couldn't!"

"It doesn't look like we've got a choice either way," Selene pointed out. "Look on the bright side - maybe they thought it made sense, too."

"Yeah, that's a good point!" Kaitlyn grabbed her pack and scampered over to the portal. "Gonna be a hobbit, gonna be a hobbit, gonna be a-"

* * *

><p>"This is <em>not<em> a hobbit disguise."

Selene was very glad of her large, bushy beard - it made hiding her smile much easier. "It doesn't look like it, no," she said. "Maybe next time."

"Maybe _evil_," Kaitlyn muttered, sitting down on the grass with what was likely meant to be a flounce, but given the weight of her dwarven disguise's armour, ended up as more of a crash. "What're we doing out here? The story's in Bag End."

"I guess this is where the OC shows up," Selene said. "I'm not sure why we're in the middle of the field, though - maybe so she doesn't walk into us when she comes along?"

"Hmm." Kaitlyn peered into the night air. "What do you reckon - down the road, or out of the forest?"

"She could come from the sky," Selene suggested. "We don't know _anything_ about her."

"Including that she's a she," Kaitlyn said. "She could be a he. Or an it. Or a… xe? I think it's xe. Might be xhe."

_Meanwhile, a dark shape appeared on the nearby grassy lawn. A shadow cast over the figure, and it appeared to be a silvery wolf. As the wolf walked closer to the Hobbit hole, the shadow changed, and it became the silhouette of a hooded figure. A person. A Ranger of the North, and an Animorph._

"... or they could be a wolf, and could appear out of literally nowhere." Kaitlyn frowned at Selene. "Is that a vampire thing? I know the wolf is…"

"Depends on the vampire," Selene said. "My kind, no. But did you miss it? It said she… er, the OC is an Animorph."

"I didn't _miss_ it," Kaitlyn corrected, "I just don't know what it _means_." She considered the word. "Though I guess animal-plus-morph pretty much covers it."

"That's about right," Selene said. "It's a series of books about these human children who get the power from… well, do you know Agent Ilraen? Or Iskillion?"

"The blue horsey-scorpion guys?" Kaitlyn asked. "I once sorted out an argument between them - well, not really an argument, more a polite discussion. So they're, like, alien wizards or something, giving out magic powers?"

"... sort of, actually," Selene said, "only with technology rather than magic. It's been a while since I read the books, though. Anyway, apparently she has that power, though what the Andalites would've been doing in Middle-earth, I have no idea."

"She-or-whatever's got another power, too," Kaitlyn observed.

"Yes?"

"Yes - the ability to walk. Come on, we're going to get left behind."

The agents caught up with the OC just as Bilbo threw open the door to Bag End and was cut off in the middle of his angry greeting by the OC looking confused.

"And female," Selene pointed out. "So it wasn't an unwarranted assumption after all."

"Being right doesn't mean you were being reasonable," Kaitlyn said. "But, uh, do you have the charge list? Because Bilbo can see her face, but had to rely on her _voice_ to peg her as a woman."

"She could be very masculine-looking," Selene said.

"What, a Suvian, not look stunningly beautiful?" Kaitlyn snorted. "_Please_."

"Like you said - we don't know anything about her," Selene retorted. "She's got a weird set of powers, but she might actually be a good character - or just a non-entity."

"We _do_ know we're in a badfic, though," Kaitlyn said. "There must be _some_ problem, and she looks like the only change from straight movie canon."

"That's a fair point," Selene allowed, then winced as the OC's words reached her. "As is the fact that her name is 'Evelyn Númenessë'."

Kaitlyn tilted her head curiously. "What does _that_ mean?"

"Haven't a clue," Selene said. "That was more Dafydd's role."

As Bilbo swung the door closed, a portal appeared next to the agents. "Apparently we can check," Kaitlyn said. "I hope my popcorn hasn't gone cold…"

Back in the RC, Selene obediently stuck the cutout of Evelyn onto the monitor - "You know, she _does_ look kind of manly from some angles" - while Kaitlyn fished out her book of name meanings (PPC Edition).

"Here we go. Evelyn. From Aveline, diminutive of Avila, which means… a town in Spain. I don't think there's much meaning in there."

"And the other half?" Selene asked, crossing the room and settling into the office chair. "That's definitely Quenya, I know that much."

"It's a name dictionary, not a translator," Kaitlyn said. She picked up a communicator off the shelf, checked the directory, and dialled. "Hello, is that SIELU? Hello? … I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" She listened for a moment, then shrugged and turned the device off. "I think someone just swore at me in Elvish," she told Selene. "I'll try again later."

"No rush," Selene replied. "Shall we start?"

"Good idea. Just as soon as you get out of my chair."

* * *

><p>Evelyn apparently stayed quiet until Thorin arrived. Then the portal appeared again, and the agents returned to Middle-earth. In their dwarven disguises, they went unnoticed amid the throng inside Bag End.<p>

Thorin, following canon, insulted Bilbo a few times, drawing a glower from Kaitlyn. Then, moved by nothing in particular, he noticed Evelyn.

"_I am Evelyn Thalina, a Ranger of the North_."

"I thought her name was-" Kaitlyn began, and then her jaw dropped as Evelyn went on:

"_I can avoid being seen if I wish. But to disappear entirely. That; is a rare gift...For others at least…"_

The agents watched in disbelief as Evelyn vanished from sight, only to reappear alongside Balin. A short speech later, she teleported back across the room to Thorin's side.

"And just like that," growled Selene, "the whole point of the story is gone."

"Throw in misappropriating lines," Kaitlyn added, "and we've got ourselves a-"

"_So, you can move in the shadows, but, despite the fact that you are a Ranger, can you fight properly?"_

"Mollish minikin!" Selene hissed, as Thorin explained that he was asking because Evelyn was 'a woman, after all'. "What's she done to Thorin?"

"Made him a rabid misogynist," Kaitlyn growled. "Merciful Nienna, was there _anything_ in the film to make you think Thorin dislikes women?"

"Not that I remember," Selene said. She pulled out her charge list and began to write - then froze again. "She's challenged him to a _duel_?"

"Battle-hardened king of the Durin's Line versus magical Andalite line-stealing shadow woman," Kaitlyn said. "Can I get any bets on how long- oh."

The fight was already over. Evelyn blocked Thorin's first blow, then teleported behind him and knocked him to the floor.

"Hardly proof that she can fight," Kaitlyn noted. "I mean, what if they're up against something that actually requires stabbing skills? Or if they're somewhere with no shadow? Or- I'm sorry, why are you glaring at me like that."

"It's _Animorph_," Selene said. "Not Andalite. Andalites are completely different."

"... right." Kaitlyn cocked her head. "Are you getting hungry again?"

"No," Selene said, "but I'm not anxious to find out what happens if you get the spelling right but the species wrong. Does that create a mini?"

"Not when you're a PPC agent," Kaitlyn said, and glanced over her shoulder. "Oh, hey, portal."

* * *

><p>Kaitlyn dialled the Special Interdepartmental Elven Languages Unit again. "Hi, who's that? Naergondir? Hi. Listen, I called earlier, and- oh, really? Heh. Thanks. Anyway, can I get a translation of 'Númenessë'? I think it's Quenya- no, no, I'm sure you do. Okay. How about 'Thalina'? I don't- okay, right. Thanks. Talk to y-" She paused, held the communicator out, then shrugged. "He hung up," she reported.<p>

"I can't imagine why," Selene replied. "So?"

"Apparently my first call was routed to an Agent Râmwê. He, uh, 'refuses to speak anything except Primitive Quendian', apparently. Which explains why I-"

"The _names_, Kaitlyn," Selene said with exaggerated patience. "What do they _mean_?"

"Oh. Heh. The first one is 'of the West', so I guess she's adding Ainu to her list of achievements - or maybe just 'Dunadan'." Kaitlyn frowned. "The second is, apparently, 'I don't know, maybe a horrible mangling of 'Thalion'."

"And what does-"

"That one's in my name book," Kaitlyn cut her off. "It's 'the Steadfast'."

"I see." Selene looked down at her charge list. "So she's a shapeshifting, darkness-embracing Ranger and master swordswoman named 'of the West' and 'the Steadfast', who steals lines, has a lovely voice, and apparently looks like a man. Did I miss anything out?"

"Um… that if she bothered to interact with the plot at all she'd be a flaming Suvian?"

Selene bared her teeth in what might charitably have been called a smile. "I figured that went without saying."

"I just… the movie-copying means she's _literally_ ignored most of the time," Kaitlyn said. "I don't know why you'd do that. Okay, it's a badfic, it's not going to make full use of the storyline, but surely she ought to at least be contributing to the conversation! They just went straight on with the movie after she beat up Thorin."

"And, speaking of which…" Selene gestured at the console.

Kaitlyn chuckled and jumped back onto her chair. "Sounds good. Roll tape!"

* * *

><p>The movie played until the very end of the Bag End night-time sequences. Then, about three frames before the next scene began, a portal appeared.<p>

"What do you reckon?" Kaitlyn asked, grabbing her kit. "Dream sequence?"

"I'm going for supposedly-revealing midnight conversation," Selene replied, ducking through the portal.

The agents stepped out into the streets of Dale, but it was a misty, immaterial Dale. "Called it," Kaitlyn declared. "Welcome to the dreams of a Suvian."

"Not quite," Selene said, pointing at the kites overhead. "Welcome to the prologue."

"Um." Kaitlyn squinted at the sky. "So that shadow-"

"Is Smaug," Selene confirmed, watching the dragon as he flew towards them. "Uh…"

"Do you think-" Kaitlyn began.

"It's only a _dream_ dragon," Selene put in.

"Yes, but-"

Fire rained down on Dale. The building in front of Kaitlyn crashed down, and she yelped, throwing herself back. A spark caught in her beard, spreading rapidly, and she beat at it frantically before

* * *

><p>the scene changed, and they were suddenly in the darkness of Bag End, watching Evelynn wake with a start. The fire was gone, but Kaitlyn still ran her fingers through her beard mournfully. "It's never going to be the same again," she said.<p>

"I thought you didn't _like_ dwarven disguises," Selene hissed.

"Well, no," Kaitlyn admitted, "but it's still my _beard_. And now it's ruined!"

Selene didn't reply, since their target had quietened down from her initial awakening. Kili was apparently sleeping right next to her, and woke up to see if she was all right. It emerged that Evelynn had hit him in her sleep, leaving a slight bruise - or, a couple of sentences later, a freely-bleeding scratch.

"Consistency," Kaitlyn murmured. "What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!"

"Including names," Selene whispered, indicating the Words. "She's picked up a second N at the end of 'Evelynn'."

"She's also picked up a boatload of angst," Kaitlyn replied. "Not only is she a survivor of Dale, she's also just generally violent. 'Compared to what she was capable of, this was the tiniest injury she could give someone' - oh, cry me a violin!"

"Let's be fair," Selene said, "she _can_ transform into a wolf; a minor wound, even one of indeterminate nature, is pretty mild for her."

"I suppose," Kaitlyn grumbled. "Does that mean I have to like her?"

"Absolutely not," Selene assured her. "Come on, she's gone to sleep - let's get back."

* * *

><p>Over the next few chapters, the agents found themselves stepping into the story more frequently, but still only for short bursts. Evelynn was nearly thrown from her horse, which said good things about the beast - "Though if we take her back to HQ," Kaitlyn said, "we are <em>not<em> letting her keep the name 'Nektosha'. Evelynn revealed that she was Thorin's (adopted, a hasty Author's Note assured them) daughter, and added the name 'Aiyana' to her collection, along with a dragon-shaped birthmark and the revelation that Thorin had kept her in Dale rather than Erebor.

"What I can't decide," Selene mused, "is whether that's because he was ashamed of her, or because 'daughter' is a euphamism for 'strumpet'."

For three glorious chapters, Evelynn did absolutely nothing while the trolls attacked the company, though she still managed to make herself inconvenient - the narrative switched to first-person, necessitating a quick trip to pick up a Crash Dummy. Then, in the troll horde, she picked up a sword with a red dragon engraved on the blade, and the words _Fenume Andatehta_, which Evelynn translated as 'Dragon's Mark'.

"Hi, is that Naergondir again? Hi. Can you give me a translation for '_fenume andatehta'_? Pardon? Yes, _andatehta_. Right. Okay. Thanks!"

"Well?"

"'Wingless dragon, long vowel'," Kaitlyn reported. "So I guess that makes it 'draaaaaagon'?"

Finally Radagast appeared, and followed up his stick insect routine with a random aside: "Oh my Gandalf. Did you know that you are travelling with a monster?"

Kaitlyn snorted, and even Selene had to muffle a laugh. "Your Gandalf, huh, Radagast?" Kaitlyn asked.

"Wizard slash - that's all we need," Selene said, shaking her head.

Kaitlyn grinned at her. "Bet it exi-ists…"

Selene waved a hand. "Bet I'm not going to irritate the Ironic Overpower by argu-ing," she replied in the same singsong tone. "But old man romances aside, they're not monsters, they're just misunderstood."

"They who?" Kaitlyn asked. "Anda- uh, Animorphs, shadow thingies, adopted people, or Suvians?"

"Probably all of the above," Selene decided. "Why be specific?"

"I think Evelynnnnn lives by that mantra," Kaitlyn agreed. The pair leant back against a rock and watched the ensuing scene; Evelynn was passive enough that she was unlikely to notice two extra dwarves, and none of the canon characters could see them. The arrival of Azog's orcs went much as it had in the film, right up to the point where Evelynn delayed Kili in fighting off a Warg by dragging him back for a kiss.

"So that's reckless endangerment to add to the other charges," Selene mused. "Do you think we've got enough to charge her yet?"

"I think I'm fed up of jumping through portals," Kaitlyn said, "so let's go with yes. And hey, this is a battle scene - I'm sure we'll get an opportunity to grab her."

The battle between the dwarves and orcs went on a little longer, and then Evelynn found her excuse to show off: Thorin was under attack, and since simply shouting to him wasn't an option, she had no choice but to utter a melodramatic line to Kili, run wildly towards Thorin, and transform into a wolf to defend him.

"Oh, yes," Kaitlyn muttered. "She's a horrible monster, all right. You can tell by the way she's saving his life. The fiend."

"She's saving him by making the canon characters less competent," Selene pointed out. "It's not monstrous, but it's not exactly brilliant behaviour regardless."

"That's why we have charge lists," Kaitlyn said. In the thick of the battle, Evelynn-the-wolf was torn away from a Warg and flung against a rock. She transformed back to human in mid-flight, struck, and went limp - whereupon the orcs and dwarves alike completely ignored her and went on with the scene.

Selene snickered. "And so she dies as she lived," she said, setting off towards the limp Suvian, "completely ignored by everyone around her."

"I doubt she's dead," Kaitlyn said. "I mean, the Words keep going, right?"

"Yes," Selene agreed, "but _we're_ here now." Ignoring the battle raging only a short distance away - the elves of Rivendell had made their appearance, the dwarves were hiding in a tunnel, and the orcs were in flight - she kicked Evelynn in the ribs with her steel-toed boots. "Oy. Wake up."

Evelynn stretched prettily and opened her eyes - then started at the sight of an unfamiliar dwarf leaning over her. "Who are you?" she asked. "You're not- this isn't where-"

"-you expected to be?" Selene asked. "No, and you won't be going there. You see, Evelyn(n) Alatariel Anessathiel Vanessë Númenessë Thalina Aiyana, we're from the PPC, and we _really_ don't like you."

"That's not quite fair," Kaitlyn disagreed. "She's not as bad as she could be."

"No," Selene agreed. "She mostly left the canons intact - because she ignored them, and they never acknowledged her existence. But she's got a list of powers a mile long, serious punctuation problems, a nasty habit of sticking ridiculous similies onto her dialogue tags, a ridiculous angsty backstory, and no personality _at all_."

"You think I'm a monster don't you?" asked Evelynn, her voice breaking like a forsaken heart. "I'm just misunderstood."

"No, you're a Suvian," Selene said. "An unconventional one, to be sure - I don't think I've ever met a Suvian as _boring_ as you - but a Suvian all the same. Any last words?"

"She already had last words," Kaitlyn pointed out.

"Oh, yeah." Selene plucked a dagger from her belt. "The nice thing is," she noted, as Evelynn finally sat up, "she's so passive, she'll let me get away with this." And with a flick of her fingers, she launched the dagger on its course.

The knife struck Evelyn square in the chest. She let out a soft squeak, and then simply dissolved. In her place, half a dozen glowing spheres appeared, bobbing about near the ground. Each one was differently-coloured, and several of them seemed to be making strange noises.

Kaitlyn stared. "Did the Suvian just explode into a bunch of powerup orbs?"

"It _does_ look that way," Selene agreed. "I wonder if- don't _touch_ them!"

"I just want to see if I can pick it up," Kaitlyn said, kneeling by the nearest of the orbs. "It's perfectly sa- eep!" As Kaitlyn's hand drew near, the pastel-pink orb suddenly leapt the gap, landed on her finger, and vanished. Kaitlyn yanked her hand back and stared at her finger. "At least it didn't hurt," she said, in a voice as soft as silk.

Selene blinked. "Say that again."

"Say what?" Kaitlyn asked, her words as smooth as cherry blossoms.

Selene had to smother a laugh. "You got one of her powers," she told her partner. "It's like you said - she was basically a list of skills with only a name tying them together. Well, it looks like one of those abilities is now yours."

Kaitlyn's eyes went wide with realisation. "Aaaaaa!" she squeaked, and her voice was like golden honey. "Why can't I stop? Why couldn't I have had one of the cool powers, like shapeshifting or the shadow thing? _How do I make it go away_?"

"Because the Ironic Overpower hates you," Selene said cheerfully, pulling out her communicator. "It's all right, calm down, I'm on it."

Several hours later - after the DoSAT team had contained and removed the remaining powerups, after Nektosha the horse had been renamed Thalia - "What?" asked Kaitlyn defensively. "I just like the name!" - and dropped off with Alice's herd in the Miss Cam Courtyard, after a visit to Medical had resulted in a diagnosis of 'It might wear off by itself, given time; if it never goes away, come back and see me', and after Selene had prevented Kaitlyn from slamming her head against the wall _too_ many times - the agents returned to their Response Centre. Kaitlyn dropped straight into the office chair and glared at the console.

"Stupid ridiculous new mission design," she grumbled, in a voice like the sun on the daisies.

"I'm not sure it actually had anything to do with-"

"Oh, look, I'm not listening to your logic." Leaning forward, Kaitlyn ejected the DVD from their console and held it up. In words like a fairy's wing, she said, "We should probably take this back. I don't think I want another personal visit from the Canon Librarian."

Selene shivered. "Good plan." She crossed the Response Centre and pulled the door open.

Standing patiently outside the door were two agents in neat, black uniforms. They bore no flash patches, but one of them held up an ID badge. Selene's eyes went wide as she read the words engraved in the badge: _Department of Internal Affairs. For your safety and ours._

"Agent Windflower," the DIA officer said, "I am Agent Hazelhead; this is Agent Taldaris. Would you please come with us?"

"Selene?" Kaitlyn called, her voice like music to the ear. "Who's that?"

Selene was frozen to the spot. After a few seconds, she managed to swallow enough of her fear to reply: "It's the DIA. They want me to go with them." She looked back at Hazelhead. "Do… do I have a choice?"

"Not really, no," Hazelhead said. "This way, please."

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. _The Hobbit_ belongs to Tolkien, and the movie version to Jackson. _Thorin's Little Princess_ belongs to weareinfxnte, and is quoted, paraphrased and dissected here for the purposes of parody and humour; no claim of ownership is made by SturmUndSquee or any other members of the PPC.

**SturmUndSquee's Author's Note:**

And we didn't even get to the part where she claims to be a Shadow Hunter, hereditary enemy of the dwarves - and also a term ripped off from Cassandra Clare's recent novels. (Which, given what Cassie Clare is famous for, is somewhat hilarious - but that's another story)

And… what the agents said. She was just _dull_. Not (just) in terms of plot, but by way of having no visible personality. The fact that everyone ignored her whenever she spoke didn't help...

**Agent Kaitlyn's Constructive Criticism**

The central theme of your story - the idea of Thorin having a daughter who enters into a relationship with Kili - is a really interesting one. It could be used to explore the dwarven notion of kinship; to expand on the relationship between Thorin and his nephews, or between Fili and Kili; to examine the dangers of playing favourites while on something like the Quest of Erebor. The fact that it's entirely possible either Evelyn or her future husband would become Thorin's heir - and the Heir of Durin - only adds an extra layer of intrigue.

But your story suffers from an overabundance of ideas. Evelyn picks up new names and descriptions every chapter or so, and her flurry of powers barely see any use. She uses her Animorph powers exactly once - why not use them against the trolls, or in the Misty Mountains? Her shadow powers are equally useful, and equally unused. And, really, she _couldn't_ use them all - if she did, the story would have no threat in it at all. It would have been much better to limit her to one power - or none at all! - and let the story unfold from there.

The other major improvement you could make is not to repeat the events of the film. We readers already know what happens; we don't need entire chapters in which Evelyn makes occasional, unnoticed comments. If she were offering a new viewpoint on events, it would be a different matter, but as things stand, these long sections just take up space.

My advice to you is to choose one story you want to tell, and write only what you need to tell it. Give Evelyn the powers she needs for that story - her romance with Kili, or her 'monster' heritage, or whatever - and show us only the scenes that develop that tale.


	8. InterMission

Kaitlyn finished off her report and leant back in her Galactic Tyrant-brand Executive Pivoting Helium-Cushioned Mobile Throne of Glory. "There's nothing like a good job well done," she announced in (due to a mishap in her last mission) a voice like sun on the meadows. "Except for a bad job well done. Or a good job done mediocrely. Or- sorry, I'll stop."

The Response Centre was silent. Kaitlyn looked around at the empty room and sighed.

"You know," she told the room, her words like a river of honey, "I was all by myself down in Character Protective Services most of the time, what with Chelsea always off on her day job. But it was never quite as lonely as this."

She tapped at the keyboard, half-heartedly uploading the report to the network for any interested agents to read. Then she looked around the room again, as if hoping someone had appeared in the intervening seconds.

"... on the other hand," she said in her silk-smooth voice, "my partner's being interviewed or tortured or whatever by the DIA, so I guess that means I'm-" She stopped abruptly, a grin growing on her face. Hopping down from the office chair, she grabbed her jacket, purse, and current book, and hurried over to the door. Pushing it open, she put one foot out into the corridor, then turned back to look at the console.

"- off-duty," she finished her sentence, and slammed the door behind her before the Ironic Overpower could react.

* * *

><p>There are many places in HQ a PPC agent can go when she finds herself at loose ends. The Cafeteria is usually a good place to meet friends, though the food quality tends to vary quite dramatically. The Miss Cam Courtyard is a quiet place to sit and read, though since Alice the horse and roman the mini-Capitoline Wolf had started staging races between their respective subjects it had become rather unpredictable. New Caledonia's Musée des Univers Perdus is good for a browse, provided one is interested in the fiction of lost civilisations - and if not, the nearby Club Aujourd'hui offers 24-hour music and a dance floor that has to be seen to be believed.<p>

For the true connoisseur, however, there is only one option. Actually, that isn't true, but since the Pennacook club is ridiculously exclusive (rumour has it the founder refused to allow herself to become a member, since she didn't meet the standards), and the Chlorophyll Club is only open to Flowers - oh, but then there are the specialist joints like the Rusty Scabbard, or the generic hangouts such as the PPC Bleepka Bar. And given that the Lounge is in a permanent state of low-key partying for some festival or another… choosing somewhere to relax in HQ is not difficult, provided one can find the time.

But everyone has their own little corner which they keep coming back to, and ever since a certain incident with Chelsea (involving accidentally introducing Movieverse!Merry and Pippin to OFUM!Merry and Pippin, then giving the four of them a barrel of urple paint and letting them loose) had gotten Kaitlyn banned from the Bleepka Bar, her hangout of choice was Rudi's. The old-fashioned feel of Rudigore's pub suited her down to the ground, and some of the drinks behind the bar were simply gorgeous.

On this particular day, Rudi's was quiet; the blast craters from the latest PPC Cluedo match had been painted over, the Running Barfight (six months and counting!) had apparently grounded for the time being in the Rusty Scabbard, and the screens were only showing reruns of Nutmeg TV's RC #_747_ (the one where Parke gets sent to FicPsych). Kaitlyn ordered herself a mug of 1420 beer from the bar, leant back against the wooden panel, and looked around.

Most of the current occupants of the pub were regulars, inasmuch as anyone can be 'regular' with a PPC workload, but one table caught Kaitlyn's eye. There were three women sitting around it, and each was more intriguing than the last. Of course, it helped that the first one Kaitlyn noticed was a fairly ordinary-looking redhead, but even so, the faintly-glowing woman sitting next to her was fairly eye-catching. And then there was the third…

Try as she might, Kaitlyn couldn't tear her gaze away from the third woman. Her hair was long and flowing, and so dark it seemed almost to drink in the light. Her face was fair beyond belief - and alarmingly familiar-looking. "Tinúviel, Tinúviel," Kaitlyn murmured, her voice floating on the air. She couldn't think, off the top of her head, of any reason why her primary Lust Object would be in HQ - but she had better things to do than waste her time figuring it out. Taking a swig of her drink, she made her way through the maze of tables.

The woman who couldn't possibly _actually_ be Lúthien noticed her approach, and turned to watch her. Kaitlyn swallowed the lump in her throat as she came to a stop by the table. "Uh, hi," she said, in a voice as delicate as the first snowflake of winter. "Mind if I sit here?"

"Go ahead," possibly!Lúthien said, and her voice was _genuinely_ like honey to Kaitlyn's ears (_only_, she hastily thought to herself, _in a nice way, not a sticky one_). She smiled, and Kaitlyn's heart fluttered madly.

_Calmly,_ she told herself, and thanked Vana that her thoughts weren't suffering from flowery description as well. She sat down, returned the smile, and held out her hand. "I'm Kaitlyn," she said, and her words were like rose blossoms in the air.

"Hypatia," the woman said, shaking her hand.

Kaitlyn stared. "Like… the librarian of Alexandria?" she asked, her voice both shaking and resonating like subtle music. _Gorgeous _and _smart? I couldn't be _that _lucky!_

She wasn't. Hypatia let out a little giggle, and Kaitlyn saw - too late - the vapid light in her eyes. "Well, I don't know. I was, like, a character replacement for Arwen before some nice agents wiped my memory. They said I couldn't keep calling myself Arwen, and I was like, 'Why not?', and they were like, 'Duh, because it's confusing'. But then some chick from FicPsych told me that 'Hypatia' means the same thing as 'Arwen', and I was all, 'Wow, that's a cool-sounding name'. Who's Alexandra?"

Kaitlyn's hopes crumbled around her. "Uh," she managed in her velvet tones, "never mind." She took another drink from her tankard and turned to the other two women. "Kaitlyn," she introduced herself, "DCPS - oh, and Floaters now, I guess."

"I'm Nita," said the redhead, "and this is the Spirit of Imagination."

"Call me Nancy," the Spirit of Imagination said with a shrug. "It's not my name, but it's shorter."

Kaitlyn tilted her head, squinting at the redhead. "Nita," she said, her words as gentle as a feather. "Like… from _Young Wizards_?" She glanced sideways at Hypatia. "Though I suppose that's an unreasonable assumption."

Nancy snorted and sipped her drink (some kind of cocktail which seemed to glow slightly, unless that was just carried over from her own aura). "It's exactly the same one _I_ made," she said. "Would you believe she'd never even _heard_ of the Lone Power? It made convincing her to fight against him really tricky, let me tell you."

"Since you never managed," Nita said, poking her in the ribs, "apparently it was _too_ tricky even for the vaunted Spirit of Imagination."

"Time doesn't mean the same thing to me than to you mere mortals," Nancy said, putting on a haughty expression. "I'm just biding my time."

"Yeah, you're biding until I stop buying all the drinks," Nita chuckled. "Speaking of which, need a top-up?"

"That'd be lovely," Nancy said, handing Nita her glass. As the redhead made her way to the bar, Hypatia leant over and whispered in Kaitlyn's ear.

"I don't think they're actually arguing," she said. "They just like to play at it. I think it's cute." And she let out that little giggle again.

Kaitlyn gritted her teeth. "Right," she said, and even through her irritation her voice was like a morning mist. "Thanks." She took another gulp of her beer, then shrugged slightly and drained it.

Hypatia didn't take the hint. "Did you know," she whispered, "that they do over _sixty_ different cocktails here? I'm working through the list; so far I've reached, like, twenty." She giggled yet again. "But not all today!"

Kaitlyn fought the urge to clonk the disappointingly annoying woman around the head with her tankard. It wasn't actually Hypatia's _fault_ that Kaitlyn had made assumptions about her, and presumably she _did_ have some redeeming qualities to her personality. Kaitlyn turned to face her, and made the effort to smile. "So," she said, her words like dew on the grass, "you're a new recruit, you said? Are Nita and, uh, Nancy training you?"

"Oh!" Hypatia exclaimed, and giggled yet again - it seemed to be her default state of being. "No, no. I don't think Nancy would be allowed to - I don't think she, like, really works here."

"Of course I do!" Nancy protested. "I perform an invaluable service in encouraging the imaginations of the PPC's agents."

"Well, it hasn't worked on me," Hypatia - naturally - giggled. "I haven't got an imagination. Though I think there's an _Imaginary Friend_ somewhere on the cocktail menu..."

"You see?" Nancy replied. "I told you I was doing good work. Where would you be without me?"

"Drunk," said Nita, returning from the bar with a pair of glasses in her hands. "Well," she reconsidered, glancing around the table, "drunk_er_. Here y'go."

Kaitlyn lifted her tankard, and then remembered it was empty. "I should get going," she said, in a voice like the wind rustling the leaves.

"Oh, no!" exclaimed Hypatia. "And we were getting on so well!"

"Uh, yeah," Kaitlyn said, "I guess we were."

Hypatia beamed at her. "And I've, like, fixed that thing you were doing with your voice!" she declared. "I think this calls for a drink to celebrate!"

Kaitlyn blinked. "It wore off?" she asked, and then grinned. "It _did_ wear off!"

"No," Hypatia said firmly, "I fixed it through, like, being generally cool. Now do you want that drink or not?"

"Uh." Kaitlyn looked over at Nita - who had a suspiciously innocent expression on - and Nancy - who was covering what looked suspiciously like a laugh.

"Come oooooon," Hypatia pressed. "I'll even, like, buy it for you."

"..." Kaitlyn looked down at her tankard, then across at the bar, and then sighed. "Sure," she said. "One drink." _How bad can it be_?

Hypatia giggled and reached for the cocktail menu. "Right," she said decisively. "You totally _have_ to try a Kaleidoscopic Archangel - it's to _die_ for."

* * *

><p>"... so the Marquis was like, <em>What CAN you do, then?<em>, and I was like, 'More like, what _can't_ I do!'"

Kaitlyn giggled madly as Hypatia's story went on, and took a swig of her latest drink - yet another Shire Special, because how could she _resist_ a cocktail with a mushroom sticking out of it? "So what did you, like-" She stopped, swallowed hard, and started over. "What did you say then?"

"I told him I'd dated, like, dozens of big warrior guys, which was totally true, even if I don't remember it." Hypatia put on her best pout. "And how unfair is _that_? I mean, like, what's the good of a social life if it all gets wiped aw- uh, hello? Can I _help_ you?"

"I doubt it," said a familiar voice in an exceptionally dry tone. "Hello, Kaitlyn."

Kaitlyn spun on her chair, got her legs tangled up with the table, and ended up flat on the floor. "Selene," she said, staring up at her partner. "You're looking, uh, you."

Selene ran her fingers through her hair, which seemed to be suffering from an excess of static electricity. The brass cogs of the Key on the side of her face seemed to be working faster than normal, their whirring a soft undertone to the conversation. "Yeah," she said. "I'm not… can I sit down?"

"Oh!" Kaitlyn scrambled upright and looked across the table. For the first time, she realised that Nita and Nancy had apparently left at some point. "Um, sure."

Selene didn't so much take a seat as collapse into one. Kaitlyn bit her lip and leant forward, studying her partner's face. "What happened?" she asked.

"The DIA have, quote, 'certain concerns'," Selene said with a shrug. "Which apparently included you getting controlled by Dracula, me releasing a pack of wolves in HQ, you accidentally getting neuralyzed, my, um, loss of control in _The Parent Trap_, and 'the unorthodox ending of your most recent mission', unquote." She waved a hand vaguely. "So they decided to bring me in for interrogation."

"Interro-?" Kaitlyn stared at her. "Did they… y'know, _torture_ you?"

"I'm sure they wanted to," Selene muttered. "But no. They just asked me a few questions - and then a few more, and then a few hundred more after that. And then they…" She clenched her fist, and Kaitlyn saw a spark of red appear in her eyes. "They meddled with the Key," the vampire said. "They know it's the only thing keeping me sane, but they still thought it was a good idea to muck about with it. Because I'm sure being the Secretly Prejudiced Police _absolutely_ qualifies you to mess with out-of-multiverse technology."

Kaitlyn reached out as if to touch Selene's hand, but thought better of it. "What did they do?" she asked. "To the Key, I mean."

"They shoved a microphone into it," Selene growled. "They want to 'continuously monitor' me - because apparently invasion of privacy is the in thing to do if you're a bunch of prejudiced pigs."

"I'm sure they're not prejudiced," Kaitlyn said, trying for reassuring. "They're just trying to make sure-"

"The DIA," Selene snapped, sparks flickering around her eyes, "have harassed me since they were first founded. They once interrogated me in the Cafeteria because they thought I'd attacked Makes-Things - because apparently they hadn't noticed that he spends half his _life_ hiding under desks whenever agents come near him. They have _never_ had a better reason than 'because you're a vampire' to keep stalking me, and I am absolutely - nugging - _sick_ of it." She tapped a finger on the Key, and added, "And I hope you can hear me saying so."

"Um." Kaitlyn sucked on her lower lip, trying to think through the haze of alcohol. "That's… pretty bad?"

"Too right it is." Selene cracked her knuckles, glowered at them for a second, and then looked up at Kaitlyn. "Where'd your friend go?"

Blinking, Kaitlyn turned to where Hypatia had been sitting. The black-haired woman had left - and so, unsurprisingly, had her most recent cocktail. "I guess she had to get back to… wherever it is she works," Kaitlyn murmured, feeling oddly disappointed. "Maybe she's got a mission. If she even works in Action."

"I've known a few people like that," Selene said. "Refusing to tell you anything, yes? My first partner in DOGA didn't tell me he was an elf until we'd been partnered for a year or so - though, to be fair, I didn't let him know what I was, either…"

"No, she…" Kaitlyn shook her head, banishing the thought of Hypatia from her mind. "Want a drink?" she asked her partner.

"Would kill for one," Selene said, then sighed, reached up, and tapped the Key. "But not," she said in an exaggeratedly clear voice, "literally."

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. _The Lord of the Rings_ is Tolkien's, and _Young Wizards_ is Diane Duane's.

**SturmUndSquee's Author's Note:** Hypatia is a character replacement of Arwen recruited by Agents Huinesoron of DOGA and Sambar of Finance, in their mission _Empire State of Mind_. Hypatia of Alexandria was the last librarian of Alexandria, and was a very clever woman.

At this point, I'll be taking a winter break from _PPC: Driftwood_. Churning out a mission every week or two is quite tiring, and I've also just finished my Accidental NaNo; I think it's time to let the keyboard rest for a while. If you want to keep reading about the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, try Googling us - we have a wiki, and a Posting Board, and truly vast numbers of stories. I hope to see you there - and I hope to see you back here, when Kaitlyn and Selene return in the new year.

**Agent Kaitlyn's Constructive Criticism**

Of all the cocktails I drank, the Shire Special was undoubtedly the best. They've managed to capture the rich taste of a 1420 beer, mixed with the rural herbs which Samwise would use to cook his rabbits, and have thrown in a general helping of just-feels-like-the-Shire to round it off. And, of course, they give you a mushroom to dip in it, which can _never_ be a bad thing.

The Kaleidoscopic Archangel, on the other hand, was… an experience. I appreciated the banded colours, and the streams of coloured bubbles after you mix it were adorable, but the addition of tiny amounts of divine beverages - the sort that tend to incinerate the incautious drinker - is just showy and unnecessary - not to mention quite painful on the tongue.


End file.
